Santagati smarmily welcomes them to Alaska, but I'm too distracted by Rebekah's weird blue sunglasses to listen. Then I notice that half of this guy's dialogue is overdubbed, like he's explaining the premise of the show again as if the women don't know why they're there and as if the viewers haven't already heard it several times, but it's obviously dubbed in and I'm guessing Santagati kept flubbing his lines or something. Santagati points at the woods and says, "Your home for the next week is right over there, and if you take off, I promise you'll be warm," which struck me as a really weird turn of phrase -- "if you take off, I promise you'll be warm"? -- and it is even more irritating because he does this annoying sweeping two-handed finger-point into the woods. The women start walking, AS IF they are going to walk to the Northern Light (the name of their lodge), especially in those chunky-heeled shoe-things they're all wearing instead of boots. Santagati says something about an "amazing romantic adventure."
So apparently they walked a long time because it's night when they get to the Northern Light. Santagati's voice-over calls it a wilderness lodge that's their "isolated oasis"; it's closed to the public and hundreds of miles from the nearest city. The women ooh and aah appreciatively. Santagati explains that they have it all to themselves tonight, even though the whole damn point of this show is to end their dreary, lonely, worthless-without-men existences. Quick shots of Karen, Andrea, and Sissie cooing over their individual cabins, like maybe Cecile and Rebekah hated theirs.
Commercials. Okay, Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins, together at last? Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer? Santa did get my letter! Who at KFC decided Jason Alexander's nasal whine would sell more chicken for them? And then paired him with the widely disliked Barry Bonds? I also see my first ad for American Idol and suddenly I don't feel so sorry for myself. Poor Shack. There but for the grace of Wing Chun go I.
Day 2. Women meet the men. The women are all in a helicopter with Santagati, wearing all-white snowsuits with big furry things on their heads, looking for all the world like extras from a James Bond movie. Santagati explains "the rules of engagement" -- I swear to god he said that -- for when they meet the men. Santagati says that the women will see all the men at once, but instructs the bachelorettes not to talk to them. He says each of them is there to pick one man, based on a "physical attraction" or a "spiritual connection." ["A spiritual connection derived from not speaking to them. That's the very best kind!" -- Wing Chun] Then Santagati says that the men are ready, so "let's set this helicopter down!" The women all say "all right!" and stuff and high-five each other, and how obvious was it that none of them has ever high-fived someone else in her life; I'm betting that little display of excitement was coached by a producer. Sissie describes how her heart started pounding when she looked out the window and saw all the men below. Every time she opens her mouth, I feel a little more sorry for her. Then some unidentified nimrod bachelor voices-over the scene of all of them lined up and describes it as a "meat market," and I have to say for all the blah blah so far about all the eligible bachelors in Alaska, there are some strange fucking guys in this group, like, one of the first guys you see is this tall scary bald guy with huge black goggles on and he's laughing about something. ["Hey, lead singers of Midnight Oil need love too, dude." -- Wing Chun]