More excruciating small talk. Kristian teases Andrea for ordering him to take off his sunglasses, but she insists she at least said "please." Then they compliment each other's eyes, and Andrea says "the eyes have it," and I barf up the tortellini I had for dinner. In an interview, Andrea admits to being nervous, but says she hopes there's a connection there. Then back to the Northern Light, where Kristian's got his arms wrapped around Andrea as they stand on the porch and gaze out into the night. Interview with Kristian in front of a distractingly crackling fireplace. "There's a spark there for sure," he says. "She's an attractive...gal," and it takes him about five minutes to get from "attractive" to "gal" and then he swallows, which I'm pretty sure is a telltale sign that he's lying. ["Plus, 'gal'? Gross." -- Wing Chun]
And lest you were worried that the Alaskan setting meant Bachelorettes was going to be Television Without Titty, here comes the hot tub. And in an interview in which he needs a shave and a haircut, Brent helpfully explains that the hot tub helped everyone relax. Thanks for explaining what a hot tub is for, Sideshow Brent. Actually, it appears to be an excuse for some dingbat to do his impression of Eddie Murphy's impression of James Brown, which was annoying enough but almost redeemed by somebody going, "Baby got back!" and Karen starts in with the Sir Mix-A-Lot song, then looks embarrassed as though she can't believe she just did that. In an interview with the double-earringed Kurt, he says it doesn't bother him that Karen's petite, because he's dated a variety of women in his "dating career," like, just when you think somebody has just said the dumbest thing possible on this show, someone else lowers the bar, and then Kurt does just that in his own sentence by adding it makes him feel bigger to date a small woman, and you wonder exactly what kind of inadequacies he's making up for. I'm willing to bet he drives a really fast car. Karen's take? "Kurt's a hottie. He's got a really nice body." Cut back to a shot of Karen in the hot tub as a voice-over of Karen is added that was obviously tacked on after the fact to make sure she doesn't come off like a complete ditz. Overdub Karen explains that Kurt is really smart and really funny, even though we've seen no evidence of the latter but plenty of evidence that contradicts the former. And even in her spin-doctored overdub she can't resist saying "eye candy."
No such image-massaging for Rebekah, who says, "Did you see his body? I was like, 'whoa! Where did that come from?'" Then she laughs, all horse teeth and everything. Quick, check these women's bios on the FOX site and find out how many of them mentioned anything about appearance when they described the husband they're looking for. None of them? Gee, I'm completely shocked that they're behaving this way.