Brent and Sissie hug as the music swells to try to convince us this is touching. They kiss, hug, and then make small talk and they each mention saying many prayers the night before. What's with all the prayer talk out of nowhere with these two? Did I miss an episode in which they were born again? Is this 7th Heaven? They hug some more and stroll off down the lakeshore, probably to pray. In a blink-and-you-miss-it where-are-they-now wrap-up, we get Animal House-style subtitles telling us that "Sissie moved to Alaska to pursue her relationship with Brent." It's sweet that she's finally able to let someone take care of her. "Karen returned to New Hampshire. She and Kurt have not seen each other since." Yeah, well...ah, who even cares. It's Karen and Kurt, for krying out loud. "Andrea returned to San Francisco. She and Kristian are maintaining a long-distance relationship." According to Andrea, I'll bet. "Rebekah returned to Los Angeles. She has not seen Jason since." Excuse me while I try to keep from crying. "Tim visited Cecile in California. Afterwords [sic, for the love of god buy a fucking dictionary, you morons] he told her again he did not want a relationship." Somewhere, I bet Cecile is livid. Fucking livid. Can I also point out what a stupid idea it was to use the same dramatic music during these updates as was used to score Sissie and Brent's conditional proposal?
So, let's count up the marriages inspired by this show...hmmm, zero. What a surprise. You know, maybe televised desperation isn't the best foundation for a healthy relationship. I'm certainly shocked.
Since I wanted a pithy quote to sum up how it feels to be free of this show, I scoured Bartlett's for some freedom quotations -- but the best I could come up with comes courtesy of the Soup Dragons: "I'm free, to do what I want, any old time."
Thanks for reading, everyone -- now, for god's sake, get some sun.