Opening credits. Pod-person Rebekah says "yeah!"
Previously on Bachelorettes: "Andrea continued to spend her nights with Kristian, despite his lack of commitment." Grainy surveillance video of Kristian taking Andrea's shirt off, which we've seen about eight million times, followed up with an interview clip in which Kristian says, "I'm just super-picky." "Meanwhile, a new man, Keith, made a move on her." Interview with Keith in which he says he's going to "make a run for Kristian's girl" and smiles. "Andrea rejected Keith's plea just like she did to Patrick," intones Santagati, displaying his tortured syntax yet again. "Tim and Cecile finally got physical, but then Tim admitted he hadn't been honest about his feelings for her." Tim comes clean in Reality Check. "Cecile got mad..." -- clip of Angry Cecile in bathroom, saying "I was livid" -- "...and then she got even on Proposal Point." Clip of Cecile rejecting Old Tim in favour of New Tim. Okay, explain to me how dumping a guy who doesn't want to be with you constitutes "getting even" with him. "Cecile's new man couldn't cure her obsession with Tim." Shot of wide-eyed Ostensibly Strong Cecile beginning the three-and-a-half-hour Cecile Manifesto against Old Tim that we saw last week and from which I am only just now recovering. "But then came Will, and it was every man for himself." Cecile dumps Tim 2: Footwear Boogaloo. "Now, Will is desperate to win Cecile's heart; Sissie hopes Brent is as ready for marriage as she is; and after going through men like water, Rebekah wonders if she's finally met her match in Jason." Requisite shots of snuggling, flirting, and Jason giving Rebekah a faceful of snow. "Tonight, these five women are one step closer to a walk down the aisle." Suuuure, they are. Notice Santagati says "five women," and yet there was not one clip of what Karen and Kurt were up to last week? Hilarious.
Northern lights at the Northern Light. Stars moving. That same half-moon establishing shot they show us every week. Apparently, it's Rave Night at the lodge, because the establishing shots are set to some Chemical Brothers-esque Lite Techno music. All the couples are hugging or snuggling: Andrea and Kristian, Brent and Sissie, Kurt and Karen -- well, per usual, Karen's just lying there, not moving. Kurt has given up movement as well, but he is talking. Maybe he should hold a mirror up under Karen's nose to see if she's still breathing. Brent and Sissie snuggle. Really lame quick-cut camera work of Andrea and Kristian getting it on in an attempt to make this the Red Mukluk Diaries. Andrea voice-overs: "The intimacy that Kristian and I have experienced is not normal to me." I think she's referring to the relative speed at which she's completely given herself over to him, but there's a lot of discussion on the boards debating whether she's referring to a specific sexual act that she'd never tried before. The popular choice is that Kristian is Andrea's first back-door man and that's all I really can say about that without throwing up all over the computer. In an interview, Kristian says, "I'm really enjoying the attraction and connection with Andrea," which is of course code for "enjoying the rumpy-bumpy," as are his references to being a "physical person" who enjoys the "physicality of relationships." In an interview, Andrea says, "I have done things I vowed I would never do, as far as the physical intimacy is concerned," which is the comment that sparked all the discussion on the boards, but I'm hoping she just means she wasn't planning on having sex on camera. I'd really rather not think it means anything else, as it brings up some highly disturbing mental images, including one in which a naked Kristian yells, "Who's your daddy?" and Andrea moans, "There you have it! There! You! Have! It!" Then Andrea says, "The worst part is my parents thinking that I'm disrespecting myself." I know there's no way I'd ever go on a show like this, but if I ever had to, I know without a doubt I couldn't do it if my parents were still alive. My parents, my brother and sister, all my friends, current and former girlfriends, my teachers all the way from kindergarten through to high school (I think my university professors could handle it), my co-workers, my landlord, anyone who lives on my floor, the girl at the Pita Pit, the guys in my regular section at the Civic Centre during Warriors games, Father Dave, Nigella Lawson, and the guy who delivers my newspaper. All of these people would have to be dead before I'd even consider going on a show like this.