Jack goes first and asks if the women would move to Alaska if their men asked them to. In a surprise move, Sissie -- who I'm sure has already started sending out résumés in Alaska -- says yes. ["Baby machines need résumés?" -- Wing Chun] Andrea also says yes. In fact, we know Andrea would move to Alaska even if Kristian expressly told her not to come. Karen says that if she met the right guy and had plenty of time to get to know him, she would. Jack gets specific and asks her if she'd move if Kurt asked her too. Karen -- who I think I like a little more than I used to -- says she'd need to know Kurt a lot better first. In an interview, Dorky Earmuffs says that when he and Karen went on a date, she told him she wouldn't marry someone in Alaska, and would not move there. Okay, I'm not claiming to be an expert when it comes to women or anything. Whenever I think I've figured out the rules, women change the rules. That's fine; keeps us on our toes. And my relationships have always been like trying to do a Rubik's Cube; I know most of the tricks and moves and can get most of it done, but I can't quite get that last side. Sure, I could peel off the stickers and rearrange them, but that would mean...well, at this point the analogy breaks down. But here's something I do know, Dorky. When a woman makes a broad, general, negative statement about relationships (your relationship with her or relationships in general), she wants to avoid hurting your feelings. And you can figure out what she really means by adding "with you" or "for you." Example, Dorky. Karen tells you, "I wouldn't move to Alaska." She's trying to be polite. What she really means is, "I wouldn't move to Alaska for you." See how that works? Try some more; she tells you, "I just don't think I should be in a relationship right now." Translation: "I just don't think I should be in a relationship with you." You might call it dishonest, but I think it's done out of kindness. Dorky, we men do the same thing -- those of us who don't just stop calling, anyway.
SPARE ME, please, from Rebekah's insincere smile and casual "I'd move anywhere for love, bottom line." Terry calls her on it, saying she'd already said she won't come up to Alaska. "No, I never said that!" she says. Terry says he's heard repeatedly that some of the women have said they wouldn't move to Alaska. Rebekah denies again that she said that, but hedges a little and says if you've got the "right gear" -- like "handwarmers, footwarmers" -- it'd be fine. And she laughs, making a joke of it. And some of the men -- like Jack, of whom Rebekah once said, "He isn't even an option. He isn't even a conversation" -- completely falls for it and laughs right along. And I'd like to take a moment to quote from an email from a friend -- a high school buddy of mine whose band just played some gigs in Alaska: "FYI it is true that there are way more guys here than gals. it sucks. even the fat ugly chics get a lot of attention here. it's wierd cause some unattractive girl will have 3 or 4 guys trying to get her to dance. it makes me want to barf." Please note, I don't endorse my friend's use of the word "chics" to describe women. The word is "chicks." Rebekah: "I'd go anywhere for love, do almost anything for love. Real love, true love, pure love, yeah. Absolutely." She's got her "I'm totally serious" face on, which is reserved for such statements as "I'm real" and I've never felt sorrier for Rebekah. She's talking about true love and claiming she'd do anything for it, but there is no emotion in her face. Her eyes are dead.