Lost (2001)
Empire!

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Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Empiiiire!

Joe and Courtland, sitting in a tree, not. Courtland limps back to Joe -- who's stretched out on some steps -- and goes over hotel prices. They could also stay in Putin Square. Courtland says he's "cool with" whatever Joe wants to do. Joe seems more bent on getting Courtland to make a decision than he is on making one himself. "Make your point, then I'll tell you if I agree with you or not." Guys, is that a gay bar over there? Bamp. Only no, it isn't. Courtland laughs exhaustedly as Joe passive-aggressively tries to get him to make up his mind. "Now we're in your court; where are we staying?" Oh my god, would someone just drive? Joe is totally a bottom. Courtland gets up and sits about eight feet away, pouting, "I could wait all night; I could care less." Oh my god, what babies. I pity their significant others. Or should I say "Daddies"? I bet Joe never asks his Daddy to stop hitting him.

Almost in Japan, Lando mulls over the fact that it may be harder to finagle plane tickets than it's been to get the ship and train tickets. You know, post September 11th, this show just cannot happen. Do you hear me, NBC? It just makes no sense to carry on. Get to work making a good comedy show and leave this reality crap alone. Or even reruns of travel-themed comedies. Anything, please. Lando goes on to say that they've hit up everyone on board for cash and won't stop at using Calrissian again as man-bait. Calrissian clings to one Russian patsy and says he's going to come to live with her in America. He puts them in a cab to the train station, and Calrissian jiggles and giggles and hugs him goodbye. I guess Celeste really is an ex-bimbo, since this never occurred to her. Oh wait, it did. But I guess the idea left her lips and then her brain. Go, Calrissian.

Team Empire takes two bullet trains, land in the Tokyo airport, and begin to squabble. Lando runs into Calrissian with the luggage cart and she tells him to "watch where the [bleep] he's going." Uh oh.

The Blondes, still in third place, limp out of their suite to try to find an American journalist who's supposedly staying at their hotel. He's hot, especially for a journalist. Maybe he's a travel writer, or writes recaps for Mighty Big TV. He speaks Russian (and, as Celeste helpfully points out, English), and runs around with the Blondes, doing their work for them. At the ship office, he learns that Team Empire left for Japan three days earlier. Bummer. No more boats for four days. Tami suggests heading for Korea. But there's no way to get there. Tami says it "doesn't matter how much we use our brains, it doesn't matter how much people try to help us; if the route is not available, the route is not available." Yes. Yes, that is true. But what's this malarkey about using your brains? The smartest thing I've seen Tami do yet is make that hair band.

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Lost (2001)

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