Lando, my boyfriend, and Calrissian...I mean "Carla," are being supportive of each other...naked. No, Lando is adjusting her...backpack. Calrissian says that feels good for now, but that there's no way can she keep it up for twelve hours. Calrissian, you hussy! Oh -- she means the weight of her backpack. Heh. Shut up, echo. Lando says that he trusts people until they give him a reason not to. My boyfriend is so smart!
Okay, the other two. Joe, a.k.a. Harvey Whinerstein, says in his oddly fey-but-gruff voice that the great thing about being gay is that there's a gay bar everywhere in the world, so all he has to do is "show up, meet [his] people, and start cutting some deals." Well, you just have it all figured out, don't you, my dear? You know what my favorite gay bar is? Fantasyland. Isn't that near where you live? Near Delusion Place, in Youmustbenutsville? You are in the middle of the fucking desert, with a coupon for a Big Mac and a Polaroid of your cute SO. No place to even get a clue. Sorry, Harvey. If playing the gay card is your main strategy...well, it worked for Richard Hatch. And everyone knows that the best part of being gay is the wit. No, it's doubling your wardrobe. No, the wit. Courtland -- Joe's handsome, tattooed partner -- has a big family and does not want to come in second or third. Aww, Courtland. You sound like an apartment building. I once worked with a guy named Castle and I never stopped making fun of him. "What, is your sister named Patio? Do you have a brother, Terrace? Tell me about your cousin Gazebo." Castle only had lunch with me twice. Courtland, want to split a Big Mac with me? Ask your sister Melrose to come with.
Lando and Calrissian head off, and the two blonde chicks (Tami and Celeste) are all like, buh bye. Tami says she won't miss Calrissian. Beez-natch, you just met her! Calrissian looks stung, but keeps going forward. Lando says, "Women are so brutal." Hey, I'm living proof of that. Harvey Whinerstein and Courtland Place are all like, "I think we're in Asia! I think we're in Argentina!" Dude, you are in a dried-out river bed. Get a move on.
Am I supposed to care who the host is? I don't. He booms that Lando and Calrissian are "energized yet exhausted," as if, and that everyone follows them out ten minutes later. Copycats. The backpack is hard to get used to, since it "weighs as much as a ten-year-old." Since when are children used as units by which to measure things? Like, "Damn, I had to move so many boxes this weekend -- about three fifteen-year-olds' worth." Or, "Shit, that's a big box of laundry detergent. Maybe about a five-year-old." Celeste collapses, but Tami, super-breeder, is used to the load. Celeste rests while Tami looks for a tent site. Dude, they just left, like, ten minutes ago. Harvey Whinerstein and Courtland Place break off from the trail of nerds heading north and find tire tracks, and what look like hoof prints. "Buffalo," says Harvey. "Tyrannosaurus," says Courtland. "Idiots," says Alex. The host booms that everyone must rest for six hours a day. Does that include sleep? Can they sleep for twelve hours and then rest for six? If so, sign me up for this. Everyone sets up camp, like, fifty yards from where they started, and goes to bed. Still you-know-what.