Murray: Can I have a hit off that? This looks boring. Where's the tears? The teens? The sex?
Bunim: Shut up and rub my feet, you hack.
Okay, the people who make it back to New York win $100,000, and some über-van utility wagon sport blah thing. That's it? The Amazing Race people get a million bucks! Jesus, no wonder everyone is watching that show. Miss Alli, I tip my cap. You have played this one well. Now I shall just lay down my recapper's tools and...oh, shit, I signed a contract. And Wing would have a hit out on me so fast ["I'd just blindfold you, search your body cavities, and throw you on a plane somewhere. Pfft, yeah right." -- Wing Chun]...okay, back to the show. Each pair has a cameraperson with them who is also...guess what? That's right. Kicking him- or herself. No, I mean lost. Lost, all right? Jesus crackers, am I going to have to make the "L" word a key command? Maybe I can make the echo thing one as well. Fuck, they just used the echo thing again. I can't keep up. Okay, next, the people dive into their backpacks and see what's there. $10 in cash, a rule book, some personal mementos, and a coupon for a free Big Mac, which will really come in handy out there in the middle of the fucking desert. I mean, there's a Starbucks right over here, but the McDonald's is like, waaaay over there. Tami -- the one with the shortish blonde hair -- turns her coupon over and ruminates about being a baby factory (she's a mother of four), and "finding who [she is]." You're Tami, my dear. Mother of four? You just said so yourself. "Where are you?" echoes out yet again. Celeste -- the porn-star-ish, bulimia-rific, self-described "beauty queen" -- is up next. Oh, shit, they only show her head shot! They put the food in her backpack. To assure it won't be touched, most likely. Good strategy.
Lando, my boyfriend, and Calrissian...I mean "Carla," are being supportive of each other...naked. No, Lando is adjusting her...backpack. Calrissian says that feels good for now, but that there's no way can she keep it up for twelve hours. Calrissian, you hussy! Oh -- she means the weight of her backpack. Heh. Shut up, echo. Lando says that he trusts people until they give him a reason not to. My boyfriend is so smart!
Okay, the other two. Joe, a.k.a. Harvey Whinerstein, says in his oddly fey-but-gruff voice that the great thing about being gay is that there's a gay bar everywhere in the world, so all he has to do is "show up, meet [his] people, and start cutting some deals." Well, you just have it all figured out, don't you, my dear? You know what my favorite gay bar is? Fantasyland. Isn't that near where you live? Near Delusion Place, in Youmustbenutsville? You are in the middle of the fucking desert, with a coupon for a Big Mac and a Polaroid of your cute SO. No place to even get a clue. Sorry, Harvey. If playing the gay card is your main strategy...well, it worked for Richard Hatch. And everyone knows that the best part of being gay is the wit. No, it's doubling your wardrobe. No, the wit. Courtland -- Joe's handsome, tattooed partner -- has a big family and does not want to come in second or third. Aww, Courtland. You sound like an apartment building. I once worked with a guy named Castle and I never stopped making fun of him. "What, is your sister named Patio? Do you have a brother, Terrace? Tell me about your cousin Gazebo." Castle only had lunch with me twice. Courtland, want to split a Big Mac with me? Ask your sister Melrose to come with.