Lost (2001)
The First Lost

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Alex Richmond: C- | 1 USERS: A+
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The First Lost

Lando and Calrissian drive off on a motorcycle. In the night, they are attacked by wild dogs. They get nervous and walk off to camp by themselves, ditching the motorcycle dudes. Calrissian remembers her father's military career to bolster her own strength, but hey, the dogs are still right outside.

The Pink Team is faring a little better, because some people have brought them water. Harvey Whinerstein says, "This. Is. Shocking." You mean "boring." This. Is. BORING.

Day three. Dawn. The teams are all frazzled. Some Mongolian woman comes up to the Pink Team and hands them a bowl of what looks like ice cream. Courtland takes a bite and calls it eggs. Harvey is like, "That's perfect for you!" Dude, it's food, not a sweater. I guess he hands it to the camera guy and warns him that it may not be "sanitized" and that he "saw cow hair." He and Harvey laugh and collapse on each other, all Patsy-and-Edina-ish.

Lando and Calrissian have woken up to find themselves yards from town. Now their English translator is off to find them a ride. Lando promises to give them his watch and cash for a ride to the capital. They're doing well!

The Blonde Team found a water filter. And they're going to give all their gear to a guy with a motorcycle and meet him over by those hills over there. Ha ha ha ha ha! No, they are. No, they really are.

The Pink Team, having eaten and gotten water, still have no idea where they are or where they're headed. Then, they see a town. With a van. Dude!

The Empire are stoked because a ride to the capital will only cost them $13. In a van! They are so stoked. And, totally in the lead.

When we get back from the ads, we learn that the ride is only to the next town, not to the capital. Dang. Still, they're winning.

The Blondes are still struggling to find the first town. They're dejected, but oh so pretty. La la la! They are blonde! Now we get a quick montage of Beauty Queen Celeste out in Hollywoodland in the dappled sunlight. She's pretty, but no great beauty. I wonder if she actually won a contest? Miss Sunny D? Miss Park Sausages? Miss Mrs. Butterworths? Hmm. I bet she owns more than one tiara, but an actual title? Doubtful. She blathers on that doing this television show may make her more spiritual or something. Yeah, that's how it works. You do a reality show and your life becomes richer. I think your soul actually grows. Ask Guru Richard Hatch. I think he's, like, God now, or something. She blathers on to Tami that she wants to "prove something to herself" and Tami -- mother of four, bless her -- says, "Get over it." Oh, Tami, I knew you would redeem yourself to me.

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Lost (2001)

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