Desert, helicopter, dust, people. What are we watching? In case you've forgotten, or had other things on your mind these last few weeks, Voice-Over Guy kindly and boomingly takes us through the premise of the show and the people on it. Wasn't that nice of him? And doesn't he project well? Aw. Okay. Six people, divided into three teams of two, dropped off in the middle of they don't know where. Somewhere on earth. Is it coming back to you now? Team one is Joe, a "gay New Yorker," and Courtland (Place), a "sensitive hardbody from Boston." I call them Team Pink. Tami, mother of four -- or Momgyver as someone on the boards called her -- is teamed with Celeste, "fashion" "designer." Is cutting up a t-shirt with Jim Morrison's face on it "designing"? Is an old rock t-shirt "fashion?" Thought not. They are Team Blonde. Carla -- or "Calrissian" -- whose "attitude has attitude," is teamed with Lando, my boyfriend, the "easy-going undergrad from Tennessee." Hey, Lando could be a total freak and be called easy-going next to this batch of fruitcakes. Or maybe the writers thought, "Hey, who isn't annoying? Lando? We'll call him easy-going. And can we call the blonde with the fake tits a bitch? No? Well, let's just make fun of her as much as possible." Only that last part was me. Lando and Calrissian are Team Empire.
First, they had to find out where they are and how to get out. The obvious answer would be, "We are in a riverbed." But they had to know the name of the country. Team Empire deduces it first, and correctly, by reading the label on the bottle of Mongolian Vodka. Yay, woohoo, much jumping and woo-ing follow. The Blondes are second and say "Mongoliaaaaa!" Good for them. Team Pink fare rather badly. After asking two Mongolian-looking dudes on motorcycles where they are, and are they in Russia? and where on earth are they? Courtland Place calls the producers via walkie-talkie. "We are innn, the Chechzoslo, the Check, the Checkla Republic. The Check Republic, the Checkla. Checkla? Checkla. Please tell me we're so right. What? No. We're WROWNG!" Yes, wrong. So very wrong. Wrongla.
After a few days in a riverbed, you learn a lot about your partner, so Voice-Over Guy informs me. I thought I learned a lot about people by watching them on TV? But I guess riverbeds can be intense places. Or, really boring places. Here we go with Team Empire. Let's learn, shall we? Try to stay awake. Calrissian struggles with her backpack, and notes that, while Lando is big and strong, she is "just a little girl." It's true, she's about five inches tall. Calrissian is Thumbelina. Just kidding. Lando says that Calrissian is "easy on the eyes," and that what she lacks in strength, she makes up in smarts. Several shots of her bartering flash by. It's true -- the girl can negotiate. Then we see Lando teaching the Mongolian children to dance again, this time doing the dip, and my heart melts. Calrissian says she is "grateful" to have Lando as her partner. Stay away from my man, Calrissian.