Lost (2001)
The Second Lost

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The Second Lost

Hello, Blondes. Celeste says that, being blonde, Team Blonde may have an advantage. Is it that they can share the same vat of Frost n' Tip? Or that they already know all the same blonde jokes? What could this advantage be? Double-teaming the Mongolians? I don't think they get Baywatch. Celeste calls herself "the Pam Anderson of Lost," and somewhere Pam briefly considers a lawsuit, then laughs and realizes that no one believes that shit for a second. Celeste then points out (as if she has to) her giant fake boobs, and that while people may think she's a bimbo, she "only looks like one." Well, that's a relief. So if on the outside she looks scrawny and nasty, on the inside is she nourished and wonderful? Not. Buying. It. Celeste on Tami: "She's a mom. And her soothing tone and her patience are working really well." I don't know about Celeste's mom, but in my experience, I have to say that "mom," "soothing tone," and "patience" are not always used in the same sentence. Or, you know, found in the same person.

Finally, Team Pink. Courtland squats in the dirt and draws a "map," or rather, a circle and a dot. Maybe he's making a map of a cootie shot? He describes himself as a "take chaahge" type of person. And also that he paahks his caah in Haahvaahd Yaahd. Because he's from Boston. Sorry, "Bawstahn." Joe, gay New Yorker, "brings pizzazz and style to the team." Oh, whatever. Is a grating, nasal voice stylish? Tell Fran Drescher to come back, in a hurry. Vogue has a cover shoot that can't wait! Then, we hear the quote I've repeated to my friends often (none of whom watch this piece-of-crap show) to give them an idea of how shallow and meaningless and ridiculous Lost is. Joe sees goat cheese and swoons. "Goat cheese. From the actual GOAT! This is the cheese that's in my salad AWL THE TIME!" What style. What pizzazz. What zzzz.

Okay, finally, we're almost up to the present action. Team Empire has pulled ahead of the other teams and made it almost to the capital of Mongolia. Calrissian gloats, since the Blondes were so cruel and nasty to her when they started out. Joe and Courtland "don't know how to make [each other] happy." Courtland, Joe has a serious thing for goat cheese. Just a tip. The Blondes admit that they "suck at this." They even suck at sucking. Finally, we learn (again, some more) that to win at Lost, you just have to make it "out of here" and back to the Statue of Liberty "however you can."

Seziure-inducing credits. A dude whispers, "Lost." Dude? We know.

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Lost (2001)




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