Lost (2001)
The Second Lost

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The Second Lost

Lando and Calrissian jounce and jostle in a van headed down an extremely bumpy road headed to the Ulan Bator, the capital of Mongolia. From there, they'll head to Russia. They're pretty psyched. And then, just when I think we're finally in the present, it's back-story time again. The teams were selected from thousands of entries, and are competing for $100,000 and some stupid kind of car. It took everyone three days to get out of the riverbed, and from there it's seventeen hours to the capital by car. Team Empire has a twelve-hour lead.

Joe earns my disgust (again, some more) by repeating his gay dominance theory. All he has to do is go to "all the gay bars" and work the community, and he's bound to win. He's psyched to have a "hot, musclebound partner," because then he can "take him to all the gay bars and bill him as a gay porn star, and sell his autograph." Yeah. RIGHT. Do you see the problem here? He's expecting every other place on earth to have as large (and as wealthy) a gay community as New York City does, but he needs them to be naïve enough to not know that Courtland is not only not a porn star, but not gay. Joe should be on The Real World. If only he were twenty years younger or so. In a van crammed full of Mongolians, Joe compliments Courtland on his good looks, then insists that he doesn't "look at [Courtland] in a sexual way." Oh no. As an object, yes, but not personally, or something.

The Blondes make it into a van headed for the capital, way behind everyone else. Voice-Over Guy calls Ulan Bator "a mixture of Russia, China, and possibly solutions." What a weird sentence. Team Empire has already landed there; Lando and Calrissian try to sell their camping gear to raise cash for train tickets to Russia. Shots of Calrissian bartering and hustling are cut with Joe and Courtland's analysis of Calrissian being "on top of her game" and trying "to get what she wants," rather than being "nice." Well, duh! Isn't that what competition is all...oh, never mind. Some beauty shots of Calrissian fly by, along with a quote her mom gave her (via Eleanor Roosevelt) that "you must do the things you think you cannot do," and that this trip fulfills that requirement for her, and other faux-inspirational crap.

Finally, back to the Blondes. The leap out of the van, and Celeste massages her bony, horrifying "butt." I've seen bigger asses on ants. Her glamour shots consist of walking down a street with a 99-cent store behind her, saying that she would put on a bikini in order to make a few bucks. People would pay her to dress, right? Because the woman is a nightmare. If the camera adds ten pounds, please train a few more cameras on her, because the girl looks beyond Skeletor. Then she says she got her fake breasts to please one guy, and that he isn't in the picture anymore, and that if she wins it, she will spend the money on a breast reduction. Oh, what a sad, sad story. So sad I could zzzz.

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Lost (2001)




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