Lost (2001)
The Second Lost

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The Second Lost

All of the teams de-train, tied for suck. Calrissian screams, "Happy birthday, paisan!" He screeches that he loves her. Then his pants burst into flames. I guess that, these days, there is no better way to bond with someone than to be on a reality show with them. If only I knew the love these people feel. If only...oh god, I'm crying. Hold me, Wing Chun! ["I feel so self-actualized by our bonding, Alex! Define me!" -- Wing Chun] Okay, I'm better now. Voice-Over Guy says this moment is critical. Do the teams go west, over Europe, or east, to stop in Japan before heading to the U.S.? Team Pink heads for the airport, the Blondes for another train station, and Team Empire to a travel agent. The Blondes totally bag on Calrissian for waiting for a train, and say that they were lucky to get in a van. Tami says that they were "skilled" to get in that van, and that it was stupid of Calrissian to wait. Celeste says that her "braids are too tight." All this Calrissian-bashing is really endearing you Blondes to me. Trash-talking roots-having air-headed bimbettes.

Current status: Blondes are lost, again. Pink argues. Carla asks the very deadpan Roseanne-Roseannadanna-looking travel agent (who speaks English!) to call the airline and ask for a free or discounted ticket. The travel agent looks at her stone-faced, then says, "Better you stay here. I find you a nice boy." Ba ha! She's a matchmaking travel agent of looove. Pink: "Do you sell map [sic]? Maps?" Team Blonde: "Even if you do go hooking around here, no one has any money!" Team Empire: gets a ride to the train station, and $10 American from another travel agent. Empiiiire! Calrissian and Lando are on a sixty-six-hour train ride across Siberia. In the lead, baby. Calrissian says the Blondes should "kiss [her] pretty, Italian..." Lando finishes her sentence: "Ass. Kiss some ass, baby! Kiss it!" The Blondes miss their train and are defeated, and clueless. "We suck at this," says Celeste. Everyone knows. Joe and Courtland are also clueless. Courtland says that he wants to go home, and that he thought there would be more hiking, which he could beat anyone at, since he spent thirty days in the desert and hiked his way out. He goes on to day that he'd "rather spend sixty days in the desert than one day here." Gentlemen, if you'd only remove those guns from Courtland's head, he'd be free to go. Oh, there are no guns? My bad.

Team Empire cozily sits on the train and discusses the fact that the Blondes have been trash-talking Calrissian. Calrissian doesn't know why, since she never brought up Celeste's boob job or that Tami's gums flap constantly. Hee. We see the Blondes, hiking by the side of the road at twilight, homeless and clueless. Aw. Team Empire, eastbound, leads by a day, again. Yay!

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Lost (2001)

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