Lost
Confidence Man

Episode Report Card
Dan Kawa: B- | Grade It Now!
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Just Because My Words Were Lies (Doesn't Mean My Love Weren't True)

1. I watch television, and I don't know how to improvise a slow fuse. Nor do I know how to disarm a missile with a paperclip, or receive a newspaper with tomorrow's headlines on it, or read someone's mind when they're singing.

2. Sawyer improvised a slow fuse that somehow went off perfectly at the moment that Sayid and Shannon set off their bottle rockets?

3. Also, Sawyer managed to slow-fuse his antenna so that Sayid would get signal just before he got clocked?

I like to imagine Sayid is thinking all these things and getting suspicious of Locke, rather than that he is a moron. Locke hands him a knife, "just in case there is a next time."

Camp Crystal Spring. Night. Shannon struggles for breath, gently coached by Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity. Jack sees Sawyer filling up water bottles at the spring, and approaches him. Look, I don't mean to be a Negative Nelly, but wasn't it just like a week ago in island time that every time someone went into the jungle, some boar or polar bear or Iron Giant would attack them? And now people are just traipsing a mile in the dark from Midsection Beach to Camp Crystal Spring all alone? I know Sawyer is a special case, being all giganto-schlonged as he is, but still. Has no one experienced any difficulties making the trip through the jungle? Anyone? Anyone? Scott? Oh, sorry, you're Steve. Anyhoodle, when Sawyer responds poorly to Jack's demand for the inhalers, Jack punches him, producing a nice splash as Sawyer's water bottle gets knocked out of his hand. Jack holds his shoulder, still sore from last week's dislocation. (I wish that instead of Lost, the producers had called this show Dislocated.) Jin and Sun hurriedly move away from the developing fracas. Sawyer compliments Jack on the punch, reminding him of their conversation in the fuselage. "I've been telling you since day one we're in the wild." Jack punches him again with the kind of punch that breaks your hand and knocks the recipient unconscious. Instead, Jack looks fine and Sawyer keeps talking. Jack looks around, noticing that Shannon is no longer wheezing; apparently, when no one's paying attention to her, she stops being such a drama queen and just breathes like a normal person. Speaking of drama queens, Sawyer says, "That all you got?" Jack stalks away, and Sawyer discovers a new Stare of Impending Flashback: the Dull, Glazed-Over Stare of Impending Flashback.

Sawyer, his hair slicked back unattractively, sits at lunch with Maria Bello and her husband. My attractive lawyer wife tells me this guy is also in Gilmore Girls, but to me he looks exactly like Richard Kind, who played dimwitted Press Secretary Paul Lassiter on Spin City, so that's what I'm gonna call him. Sawyer is playing Maria Bello's husband expertly, making noises about how sticky it can be it get into business with friends. "I know your wife, from working with her at the auto dealership," Sawyer continues. "But I'm just not sure I'm comfortable." "Louisiana will invest two thirds of the drilling costs," says Richard Kind, Who Played Dimwitted Press Secretary Paul Lassiter On Spin City (just kidding, Goofy McTwatTwat! I'll just call him "Richard Kind"). "What is this, a loophole?" Sawyer plays it cool and acknowledges that Richard Kind has a lumberyard, so he doesn't need this. A lumberyard? It just shows that being able to handle your wood at the office doesn't always mean you can do it at home. Maria Bello pushes her husband to get in on the deal. "Show him the cash," she says to Sawyer, who cracks open the briefcase and gives Richard Kind an eyeful. When his quarry's still dubious, Sawyer offers to leave the money with him for a night. There's a pause while Richard Kind considers the deal, then Sawyer throws down three crisp C-notes for lunch and tells him to forget about it, he's already got another investor lined up. Maria Bello prods her husband again. Boy, between getting henpecked by his wife and poked by that preening rooster Sawyer, poor Richard Kind must feel like the feed trough at Tweedy's Farm. As Sawyer walks away, Richard Kind says, "Wait!" Sawyer smiles.

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Lost

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