Confidence Man

Episode Report Card
Dan Kawa: B- | Grade It Now!
Just Because My Words Were Lies (Doesn't Mean My Love Weren't True)

Hurley and Charlie tromp through the jungle, Hurley explaining that that the food from the plane's been gone for a week. "No peanut butter, no peanuts, no nothing." "There's gotta be something," says Charlie. "Look at you!" Hurley stops in his tracks, and there's a quick shot of him looking not hurt but kind of scary. How awesome would it be if the instant Charlie said that, Hurley turned around and, with one blow, killed him? "Fat guy hoarding the food, is that what you think?" Hurley asks. You know, Charlie, there is someone who has actually been hoarding things. Did you ask Sawyer for peanut butter? He'd probably give it to you for $10,000 or a quick sniff of your undies. "I have no food!" Hurley yells. "And for the record, I'm down a notch on my belt." "Oh," Charlie says, but before he can say, "Good for you!" Hurley adds, "I'm a big guy. It's gonna be a while before you're gonna want to give me a piggyback ride, okay?" Charlie apologizes; Hurley says he's used to it. Charlie apologizes again, insults Hurley again, and then apologizes once more.

Camp Crystal Spring. Mercutio's cleaning fish guts off himself when Sun approaches and says, in English, that she thinks she can help Shannon.

Chez Sawyer. Señor O'McNicknamenstein wakes up to see Sayid looming over him. "Good morning," Sayid says, then clocks him. Jack and Sayid haul Sawyer out of the tent while Kate looks on, harshing their mellow with her negativity. Man, Kate Beckinsale: you need to relax!

Sawyer, tied to a tree in the jungle, is revived with a splash of water. He's got blood all over the side of his face. Great, I get to recap a torture scene. I feel like poor Gustave. Jack crouches down and tells Sawyer that all they want is the asthma medicine. "It doesn't have to be this way," Jack says, nodding at Sayid, who's sharpening some bamboo. "Yeah it does," says Sawyer. Sayid approaches and gives a little setup vis-à-vis bamboo shoots under the fingernails. Sawyer tells him he thinks he's never tortured anyone in his life. "Unfortunately for us both, you're wrong," says Sayid. Okay, here's how it goes down: Sawyer grunts in pain. Sawyer taunts Sayid. Sawyer coins a new nickname ("Splinters"). Sawyer screams in pain. Sawyer screams some more. Jack stops Sayid. Sawyer taunts them some more. Jack, my attractive lawyer wife, and I all say simultaneously, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Sayid whips out the knife and threatens Sawyer's eye. He gives up and says he'll tell, but only to Kate.

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