Wow, what a great hour-long episode that would have made, huh? True story: as I type this, PJ Harvey singing "Is That All There Is" came up on my iTunes shuffle.
The Goonies manage to snag themselves some dynamite, only Arse blows himself up. Yay! I can't believe I never pegged him as total redshirt material; I thought he was going to be part of Lost: The Next Generation. And now we can't tell Arse from a hole in the ground. But they've got the dynamite, and they're going to blow up the hatch. On the way back to the hatch, Locke gets grabbed by Lostzilla. As far getting a glimpse of the island's security system? Not so much. I guess the rope or chain or tentacle or whatever the hell grabbed Locke was our "glimpse." At any rate, Locke almost gets dragged down a hole, a fate that he doesn't exactly seem to fear. But it's because, as he tells Jack, he's a man of faith, and the island brought them all there for a reason. What reason, and how, and all that, ain't getting revealed. The flashbacks are all of the "watch everybody getting on the plane" variety, and the entire purpose seems to be to show that most of them almost missed the plane -- but wound up on it anyway. Weirdest moment: the ad for Good Morning: America that promises an important "secret scene" that the producers couldn't squeeze in. Yeah, so important that there was no room for it anywhere in this two-hour bloat of an episode. If anybody watched that, you are banned from the site.
Meanwhile, Rousseau kidnaps Turniphead and makes for the black smoke, apparently to try to trade for her own baby who was kidnapped all those years ago. Charlie and Sayid race after her (making a pit stop at the Boone Death Plane, where Charlie snags himself some heroin). When they catch Rousseau at the black smoke fire, there are no "others." Because maybe when a crazy person talks about hearing voices, there aren't actually others.
Or are there? The dudes on the Millennium Falkon-Tiki (tm sdPalladio) fire off the flare gun after spotting something on the radar. And they are relieved to be spotted by...Biker Gang Boat Party? D'oh...? The bikers want Walt. Hand 'im over, they growl. And when their spotlight goes out, Sawyer gets shot, and hits the water. Jin jumps in after him. Walt is forcibly taken, and Mercutio ends up in the water as well, watching his son being kidnapped, his raft blowing up behind him. Gave me chills.
And in the final scene, also going for chills but winding up in frustration at the lack of answers, the hatch is blown, and finally opened. But if you thought we were going to find out what's inside, you don't know Jack. The hatch goes down, waaaaaaaay down. And the ladder's busted. That's not a cliffhanger. That's the writers needing to have their crack pipes cleaned over the summer and get things moving.
Turniphead's crying, and Claire's trying to shush him, and she seems to be using cotton batting for diapers. I don't think that'll hold. We see a shot of the black smoke, and it looks the same as ever, that non-moving straight column of smoke, and how expensive could it have been to make an actual fire for the smoke shots? Especially if you're going to cheap out on the effects and have the smoke appear to be this motionless column that goes straight up? Somebody check the raft, because if the smoke is anything to go by, there's no wind, and that raft is probably just bobbing on the water right beside the island. Charlie strolls over to hustle Claire's ass up, because everybody's heading to the caves. Since the whole point of getting out of there is because the "others" are supposedly coming for the baby, I'm pretty sure Claire's not going to get left behind. But Claire freaks because no one ever told her how to change diapers or something, and she snaps at Charlie, who as much as he annoys me is only trying to help, and he tells her everything's going to be all right, and she screeches that everyone's telling her that, but they're not the ones with the baby. No, they're the ones with two babies, apparently.
Sayid's telling a bunch of lineless extras that they need to get to the caves before sundown. "The rest of us will be right behind you," he says. Then the troops are dismissed. Charlie comes running up, telling Sawyer that he wants a gun, and Sayid tells him, essentially, to piss off, and they reminisce about the last time Charlie had a gun, and Charlie says he killed a murderer and did everyone a favour, and maybe by that logic he can go and shoot Sawyer and Kate and be done with it. Sayid tells Charlie that he's "emotionally involved," which is apparently only allowed when Sayid's helping out Shannon to keep the Sayid Booty Train running, and says if Charlie wants to help, he should help Claire get packed and off to the caves. "Packed"? What "packed"? They're fleeing, not moving to a two-bedroom by the park. Charlie nods, but he doesn't look thrilled.
Back in the jungle, the Goonies are speechless in front of the Black Rock, which I imagine is the normal reaction to coming across old landlocked ocean-going vessels. "How exactly does something like this happen?" asks Hurley, and Rousseau asks him if he's on the same island she is. Heh. She's crazy, not stupid. Arse the science guy does his best to come up with an explanation, theorizing that a tsunami could have deposited the ship there. Sure, works for me. It doesn't appear to concern the others, though, as they're already headed for the ship. Except for Rousseau, who's headed back the way they came, telling them that the dynamite is in the hold. Jack tries to stop her, but she says she did what they asked. They need the dynamite, not her, and she leaves, and Locke is all, "Let her go, Jack," even though it doesn't look like Jack exactly has any say in the matter, so he mutters a "dammit" all tough guy afterwards, because people aren't listening to him. He starts giving Arse some instructions, but Arse says there ain't no way he's going into the ship. Hurley too: "I'm gonna stay out here and hang with Arse." Hang with Arse? I'd be in that ship so fast…
So looks like it's Locke, Kate, and Jack, who make their way through darkened room and up ladder, Locke hitting his head on some chains hanging from the ceiling. Jack's got a flashlight, but it's not until he steps on a foot bone that he sees the skeletons, shackled to the walls of the ship. "Slaves," says Locke. This is what all of Lost's viewers will look like by the time we see Lostzilla. Looking around, Locke figures the ship was probably en route to a mining colony, and probably set off from the eastern coast of Africa, Mozambique. Jack finds what looks like the door to the hold.