Lost

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: C+ | 1 USERS: D-
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Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

Corvette and her Razzle Dazzle overpower the ponytail, grab the gun, and aim to do Billy Dee in. But Billy Dee beats her to the draw and peppers her with bullets. He gets up from the chair and shoots her again. Just then the door busts open and two strippers stare in horror. Billy Dee coolly turns to the girls: "Autumn, Krystal! Bad news, Corvette was working for The Cobra! But fear not, he will pay." And cut! Oh. I see what they did there. Sneaky writers. That's not Nikki's back-story! She's an "actress," or whatever you call someone playing a cut-rate Charlie's Angel. Billy Dee offers Nikki a hand up as the set floods with PAs and lighting guys. She tells it him it was an honor working with him. He lies and says the pleasure was all his. A voice in the background says that this is a series wrap for Corvette. Some old dude with a ponytail that is presumably the producer or director (he was sitting in one of those director chairs) gets up and asks everyone to give Nikki a round of applause. Why don't you buy the audience a round while you're at it, Old Dude? If we have to watch this schlock about a character we don't know, we will need provisions. Preferably beer-like provisions. Old Dude wraps his arm around Nikki's shoulder and tells her that she doesn't need to die-- they can bring her back next season! She points out that she was shot. He says that she could have been wearing a bulletproof vest! She pulls her trench coat open, points at her boobies, and laughs. Yeah, I know, life is not fair. Old Dude chuckles and says maybe she was wearing bulletproof breasts! Wait, so they look that good AND are bulletproof? Unfair! I wonder if the Bionic Woman had bulletproof breasts? That would have been awesome! Way better than the Six Million Dollar Man's Kevlar toupee. Nikki laughs and says, "I'm just a guest star. You know what happens to guest stars." As that line comes out of her mouth, a giant Anvil of Foreshadowing lands on my foot. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Can't you send a carrier pigeon next time? Old Dude asks Nikki if she is leaving Sydney and heading back to Australia. She says, "I'm not leaving Sydney. I love you!" He declares that he loves her too! Then she sucks some old-guy face. It looks like she's Frenching her grandpa.

Hurley and Sawyer are playing the ping-pong (doesn't Sawyer learn?) when Nikki stumbles out of the woods. Sawyer looks irritated, but Nikki? Nikki ain't looking so good. They ask if she is okay. She tumbles to the ground. Our intrepid Losties spring into action -- Hurley stares at her while Sawyer peers into the woods, trying to see if anything is chasing her. She mutters, "Puh-- puh-- p--- lies!" Hurley is stares at her some more, and Sawyer asks what she's saying. Hurley doesn't answer, and Sawyer gets annoyed and asks why he's just sitting there! He needs to be getting help! Hurley looks at Sawyer in shock; Nikki is dead. Sawyer just looks confused and asks, "Who the hell is Nikki?" Sawyer said the secret word!

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Lost

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