Lost

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LuluBates: C+ | 1 USERS: D-
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Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

Eighty-four days ago, Nikki and her Grandpa Lover ate breakfast. Nikki exclaims that the frittata is amazing! Grandpa says it's his new chef who is amazing! No, you're amazing! No, you're amazing! Grandpa calls for Paolo to come out to get his compliments. Paolo comes out in his chef coat, and Grandpa says he has a new fan. Nikki says his cooking is amazing. Paolo says, "No, you're amazing! For noticing my amazing frittata! The secret is the amazing shaved truffles! You're lucky they are in season! They're amazing!" Writers, I have one word for you: thesaurus. Try it -- it's amazing! Nikki tells Paolo to ask for a raise. Grandpa explains that Paolo had just come from Brazil and showed up at his office every day until he got the job. Apparently he's the Wolfgang Puck of Brazil! So he was really popular in the '80s, but now has sunk to licensing his creepy face to every crappy venture that comes along? Oh yeah, Grandpa, you scored with that hire! Grandpa offers Nikki some homemade rolls. She stares in horror at the basket of carbohydrates and empty calories. She makes him beg. She takes a roll (Portuguese, I believe) and finds herself staring at a diamond tennis bracelet. Oh, that definitely fits into the Atkins diet! Grandpa says he knows it's not a ring, but as soon as his wife (Grandma?)... mid-sentence, Grandpa grabs his arm and has a heart attack. Nikki screams, "Paolo! Paolo! Paolo!" Because every first-aid kit should include a Brazilian Wolfgang Puck.

Paolo comes out and feels Grandpa's wrist. Grandpa is dead. Nikki looks horrified, leans over Grandpa, and rips open his shirt to grab a key. She then snots at Paolo that she would have loved it if he could have figured out a way she wouldn't have to eat the same food as Grandpa. Man, carbs make a girl bitter! Nikki charges past Paolo. They end up in the bedroom (not like that, dirty mind!) and open Grandpa's closet. All the sweaters are Gap-folded and organized by color. Impressive! Maybe Grandpa had the Brazilian Martha Stewart working for him too. Nikki heads straight to the safe hidden in the closet that no one else knows about. She says everything in there is way off the books. So it's completely secret from everyone, except for each and every blonde tootsie pop Grandpa brought home. Sounds top secret. Paolo needs a cigarette, but Nikki grabs it out of his mouth. "Ashes are evidence, Paolo. We poisoned him. Let's not poison ourselves." Get that, kids? Cigarettes are poison! This message brought to you by the concerned writers at TelevisionWithoutPity.com. The safe is open, and Nikki grabs the Russian stacking dolls. She pulls them apart until she gets to the goodies. "Razzle freaking dazzle." She said it, not me.

The Losties are gathered around Nikki's body. Charlie asks what happened. Because Charlie is a bit slow, Hurley says that they don't know. Heroin is a bitch on the brain cells. Hurley continues, "No gunshot wound, no knife wound, no polar bear bites. Nothing." Sun suggests that it was something she ate and that they should check the food supply. Charlie suggests that she was poisoned. He then grabs her hand and points out that she has "gunk" under her fingernails. What is this? CSI: Craphole Island? Wait a minute, I have gunk under my fingernails! Does this mean I was murdered, too? Aw, man! Now I'll I never find out who wins Top Design! Or maybe I am dead, and this is the circle of hell where I have to watch crap television shows for eternity. I mean, really -- what is up with the judging on that show? And: "See you later, decorator?" Gag awhile, crocodile. Oh well, pass me another Schaeffer Light! Charlie asks where the body was found. Sawyer says they found her right there. Geez, Gil Grissom, they know not to move the body, okay? Sawyer explains that she stumbled out of the jungle, face-planted, muttered something about plywood, and died. Hurley corrects him that Nikki was saying something about power lines. Sawyer adds, "Who the hell knows what she said -- she was five minutes from dying. Probably seeing the light at the end of the tunnel." Hurley gets a bad case of the blurts and yells, "'Paolo lies'! She said 'Paolo lies'!" Sawyer asks, "Who the hell is Paolo?" Yes, Sawyer, we know. You've asked that question about ten times over the last few episodes. We get it. The writers are using you as a proxy for us, the audience. We all want to know who the hell Paolo is because the writers just dropped him into the show! After two and a half seasons! It's weird! Anyway, Hurley explains that Paolo is Nikki's husband or boyfriend or something. They live down the beach. Sawyer suggests that they go find him because if he lies, it might be a good place to start. Oh god. Is this entire episode going to be Law & Order with Sawyer channeling Lenny Briscoe? ... Wait a minute. That would be awesome!

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Lost

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