Lost

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Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

Fifty-seven days ago, Nikki tramps around the camp using her feminine wiles (read: boobies) to get information out of Arzt. She asks him if he's a scientist. He says he is that, and an educator. Good thing that was cleared up. Nikki asks him what he's doing with all this stuff, referring to the jars and jars of insects he has collected. He claims to have found twenty new species and that he is going to be the next Charles Darwin. Yeah! That'll get you into her pants! Good thinking, Science Guy! Nikki grabs a jar, and Arzt tells her to be careful because that is a Medusa spider blah blah blah the female has really strong pheromones and one whiff would make all the man spiders in the area come running. He bumbles out some flirty line about how it's just like Nikki, but I'm not really paying attention to the dialogue at this point because I'm trying to figure out 1. where the heck he got all those jars and 2. why he hasn't punched holes in the tops of any of them. He is a Science Guy, right? Even I know that insects need oxygen. I learned that lesson the hard way when I lost my beloved pet ant because I kept her (or him? who knows!) in a pill bottle with no air holes. I'm sorry, ant. Nikki giggles, twirls her hair, and asks if that means he is too busy to help her. Of course not! What does she need? Nikki says, "Well, as you may have noticed I'm not wearing a shirt. It's because I lost my luggage. And I was wondering if you know about trajectories and stuff and can help me find it?" Arzt exclaims, "Of course I do! Do I know about trajectories? Have you seen the rocket I just built in my pants? Of course I know about trajectories! I'll draw you a map!" Sorry, gentle reader, I may have ad-libbed a bit.

Nikki and Paolo are hiking through the jungle, following Arzt's map. Paolo wants to know whether or not they should trust a high school science teacher's word on this. Nikki says that he's actually a junior high teacher and yes, they should trust it. Nikki suddenly realizes that Paolo is jealous. She laughs and talks about how much Arzt's spiders turn her on (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) She jokes that she had to sleep with him to get the map. Paolo says that he wouldn't be surprised, because she slept with Grandpa. Ooh -- low blow, Paolo! Nikki gives Paolo a dirty look, kicks him in the shin, and tells him that she did that for them! He talks about his feelings for a minute and is cut short when Nikki spies a plane! Eko's plane. Boone's plane. It is still suspended over the cliff, tangled in the vines. Nikki tells Paolo to climb up there to see if there is a radio or something! He points out that if he goes up there, he will die. So I guess he's smarter than Boone. Paolo doesn't want to die. Does she want Paolo to die? I guess not, because they walk on and come across the entrance to the Pearl hatch. They uncover the entrance, open the door, and reveal the giant ladder to descend into the hatch. Paolo is all ready to go spelunking, but Nikki says no way because their carry-on bag did not fall from the sky, open a hatch, and crawl down a dark tunnel. And neither will she! She does everything her bag does! Wow, that bag had better be Balenciaga or something.

Back on the beach, Sawyer is going through the dearly departed's tent while Hurley supervises. Charlie comes in to announce that Sun checked the food (using the forensic hatch, apparently) and that they were eating the same as everyone else and no one else is sick. Hurley says, "Dude monster." What is a dude monster? Charlie looks pensive and then forgets that he was pensive and starts going through their tent. He comes across a script for Exposé . Hurley is very impressed because it is the most awesome hour of television ever. He says, "It's like Baywatch, only better!" That's funny, that's exactly what I say about this show! ["Me too... except for the 'better' part." -- Sars] Hurley explains that the show is about two strippers who solve crimes with the help of their smooth-talking club owner, Mr. Leshade. He flips to the back of the script and discovers that Mr. Leshade is the Cobra! The big baddie whose identity has been shrouded in mystery! Excuse me a minute -- my phone is ringing. ... Hello? ... Oh hello, Mr. Conspiracy Theory Guy! ... What? You think that the plot of Exposé is a parallel to the plot on Lost? That we'll find out the big baddie is someone we know and love? Oh gosh! Can't wait. I'm sure it'll only take another four seasons to come about. Anyway, Sawyer is rummaging through their suitcase when he comes across a walkie-talkie. Hurley is shocked. Shocked! Sawyer is pissed, because everyone on the Other side of the Island had walkie-talkies hanging from their damn belts. Charlie is still slow and asks, "How did they get one?" Sawyer says, "Uh duh, Nikki and Paolo were working with the Others."

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Lost

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