Fire + Water

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Daniel: D+ | Grade It Now!
Baptism by liar

Wow. You've heard of selling out? Nobody does it Driveshaft-style. We're with the band on what at first appears to be a video shoot, as the band's clad in matching red, white, and black bathrobes while sitting on director's chairs with the band's name emblazoned on the back. I understand that Driveshaft were a big influence on Jack White. Liam, of course, is sick, while Charlie wants to know if he can do this, earning a "sod off" for his trouble. We hear someone yelling that they're going to give it another shot. "Get it together, all right? Lest you forget, we need this," snaps Charlie. Need a hot video to rocket the band into the stratosphere of fame? Not quite.

So the director is bitching that they have twenty minutes until they're in overtime, so "get it right." And when the band disrobes, they're wearing what appear to be diapers, and they take their spots on the set, which is a giant crib, and they're all holding packages of "Butties" diapers. And Charlie has a big pacifier in his mouth. And I'm starting to go into the fetal position myself. And someone says this is "take fifty-three," and the music starts up, and the band is doing this really basic choreography, stepping to the left, then stepping to the right, then spinning around, like, this isn't exactly the Rhythm Nation we're talking about, but Liam can't keep up. And the lyrics have been changed to "You all every Butties," which makes even LESS sense than the original. And then there is this part where the band members stick their butts through the bars of the crib, and Liam tries to and falls right through, which makes the director can the whole shoot right there, like, I'm sure the good people at Butties would have something to say about this. And Charlie pleads with the director to no avail, and the director says the band was only hired as a favour to their lawyer, whatever that means, and he wanted Dirt McGirt? Which I guess is another band? And there is someone handing the director some Perrier on a tray, and just WHAT KIND OF COMMERCIAL SHOOT IS THIS, and Charlie begs for another chance, and the director says that if they want another chance, they should get rid of "that one," pointing at Liam. "I'm not ditching anyone," says Charlie, glaring. "He's my brother." The director says in that case, they're fired.

And speaking of confusing timelines, can someone chart Driveshaft's meteoric rise to fame and fall? Like "You All Everybody" is currently hot enough to be desired for an advertising campaign with some kind of Spike Jonze director, but the band needs to be in this completely undignified commercial shoot as well, even going so far as changing the lyrics of the song, the better to shill for shite-bags? I mean, how quickly has the band gone from one-hit wonders to being forced to mock themselves for commercial gain? Can Charlie's flashbacks ever do anything other than convince me that Driveshaft sucked ass and the fictional world in which it existed is far better off now that Liam is out of music and Charlie is stranded on an island? You know what I mean? Like if you heard tomorrow that the bass player from, say, Deep Blue Something had disappeared, you'd still be able to get on with your day, yes? ["And…isn't this kind of a rip-off of that sequence from The Doors with the Bic lighters?" -- Sars]

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