Lost
Homecoming

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Daniel: B- | Grade It Now!
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Clarify me, Claire

And Charlie's got this unorthodox seduction technique, in which he jokes with the women about how he has "high moral standards" and they obviously want to take him home and ravage him. They're all sitting around laughing, having a great time. And Charlie orders them not to buy him any more beers. How impressed would I be if the so-called rock god at the bar couldn't even buy his own beers? Not very. But it seems to be working; Dodgy Mate even has Driveshaft's one and only song, "You All Everybody," playing over the bar jukebox.

Back on Craphole Island, the self-appointed learned circle of elders is passing judgment on the pregnant woman in distress. Sayid's skeptical that she actually escaped, because Ethan was so intelligent that he infiltrated them. Yeah? Sayid's basically saying, "The only possible explanation for Ethan outsmarting us is that he must be a genius." Sayid suggests that Ethan's sent Claire back. "You're off your head, mate!" yells Charlie, who clearly plans to be objective here. Jack does point out to Sayid that it's a stretch, and Sayid counters by asking how often in Jack's career he's diagnosed amnesia, and Jack admits that it's rare. Locke wants to know the chances of Claire's memory coming back, and Jack says he doesn't know. And the little hobbit freaks out again and says that while they talk about Claire, he's going to go spend some time with her, like STOW IT, CHARLIE, like this is such the magnanimous gesture for you.

He runs into Jin in the jungle on the way back to the caves, and he says "annyong" to him, and Jin says "annyong" back, and given that that means "hello" in Korean, I can't say I buy that as an intentional Arrested Development shout-out. And unfortunately Charlie starts doing the you-don't-speak-English-so-let-me-blissfully-blather-on-about-my-problems thing, and he seems to think that Jin is lucky he doesn't speak English, so he's not caught up in all the "bloody insanity that surrounds us at every turn," like maybe I'm missing something here, but Sun and Jin were on the plane that crashed, they're on the island with all its inherent dangers of boars and giants and Ethans, yet they're lucky that they CAN'T COMMUNICATE WITH THE OTHER CASTAWAYS, so could you maybe back up and explain that one to me again, Charlie, and this time consider how valuable English-language skills might have been to the once-handcuffed Jin, okay? "It's quite beautiful really. You take care of your wife, everything else is someone else's problem. No need to be involved in the decision-making process," and what I wouldn't give for that "tree-shaking behemoth" (that Charlie thinks Jin doesn't have to worry about) to come along right now and bite Charlie in half. Jin finally gets Charlie to shut up because he -- despite not speaking English -- has heard something, a rhythmic whup-whup-whupping, that's speeding up. And Jin's felled by some hard object that hits him in the head, knocking him out (if Jin spoke English, he'd probably be dead now). And Charlie just STANDS THERE, looking befuddled, like maybe his scrawny ass should take cover, but before he does anything, Ethan strolls out of the bushes, looking muddy and bloody. "Charlie, I want her back. I want you to bring her back." Charlie wants to know what Ethan did to her, and he picks up a club, presumably to find out that information, but Ethan just picks Charlie up by the throat and slams him against a tree and tells him that if Charlie doesn't bring Claire back, he'll kill a castaway every day until he does. "And Charlie? I'll kill you last." He lets Charlie go and walks away into the jungle. Not so tough without your Frodo, are you, Charlie? Commercials.

Hey, Vin Diesel? How's that XXX sequel looking to you now?

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Lost

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