House Of The Rising Sun

Episode Report Card
Dan Kawa: B- | Grade It Now!
That Girl From Pyongyang (Unfurled My Long Wang)
he serves other partygoers.

Later that night, Sun is sitting by herself in a candlelit pagoda, staring out at the water. Below her, unseen to us, thousands of blind koi, driven mad by hunger, amass, ready to attack. Luckily for Sun, Jin comes by and the nefarious plans of the koi are thwarted...for now. I feel a special affinity for koi because they're one of the primary results that come up when I Google my actual last name, Kois. A recent such search yielded:

1. A few pages having to do with my own writing or performing.
2. Endless pages about koi ponds, koi gardens, and koi care supplies.
3. The website of the Korean Overseas Information Service, an organization devoted to disseminating information about Korea and Koreans around the world.
4. Pages referring to Kois v. Wisconsin, the obscenity case my Uncle John successfully fought all the way to the Supreme Court in 1972.
5. The unbelievably awesome German rock band Kois Revenge. "Daneben haben wir auch Spass daran, Klassiker wie zum Beispiel Puff the magic dragon, My heart will go on, Jumpin' Jack Flash zu covern, sie unserem Sound anzupassen."
6. My Internet double, Dan Kois of Concordia University in Nebraska, whose sweet girlfriend (or psycho ex-girlfriend) Lydia used part of her web page to discuss how awesome he is. I think they both graduated a long time ago. The other Dan Kois used to run his college's branch of Campus Clowns for Christ.

I feel sorry for people with common last names, like my attractive lawyer wife or my friend Denny who speaks Korean. Common last names make self-Googling impractical. I choose to ignore, of course, the fact that self-Googling is perhaps the most narcissistic thing a person can do that doesn't involve actually humping a mirror.

Jesus Christ, 800 words and I'm only four minutes into the episode. Time to get cracking. Jin approaches Sun in the pagoda and gives her a sneaky kiss. She smiles and pulls away a bit, looking around for her father. "He's busy being a host," Jin replies. Sun tells him she wants to go away to America with him; Jin replies that he loves Sun, but doesn't want to elope with her. "Your father would never allow it," he adds, failing to understand the entire concept of eloping. Jin says he will ask Sun's father for her hand in marriage, but Sun thinks it'll never work. "You don't know my father," she protests. Jin produces a pretty white flower, apparently from midair, and says, "I know me." Sun sniffs the flower and says it's beautiful; Jin wishes it were a diamond. To be fair, a diamond would not smell nearly as good. They kiss. Sun looks very pretty in this scene in a pink dress. Jin looks like a monkey in his waiter outfit.

Midsection Beach. Sun looks up from her reverie to see an angry-looking Jin heading down toward the water. He's looking at Mercutio and Walt, who are hanging out by the surf. As Sun calls out, "What's the matter?" Jin charges Mercutio and lays some wicked fucking wood on him, like a linebacker-quality tackle. As Mercutio protests, Jin throws him onto his back and starts punching him. Slow motion reveals that in about half the shots of this fight, the continuity people failed to put the watch that we'll later find out is the cause of this whole thing on the stuntman's wrist. Walt leaps at Jin, who pushes him away. Then for a solid twenty seconds, Jin punches Mercutio and shoves his head underwater while not one of the ten nearby castaways rushes in to break it up. They're all waiting for someone with a speaking role to do something. Meanwhile, Sun screams in Korean and Walt screams in English. Walt's screaming the usual -- "Get off him," "Stop it," "He never did anything to you except stare at your wife's naked breasts for like an hour" -- while Sun, according to my friend Denny who speaks Korean, screams, "Jin! No! You are taking our discussion of an S&M threesome with [Mercutio] too far! Surely he has used the safe word by now! The safe word is 'ow'!"

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