Pilot, Part I

Episode Report Card
Dan Kawa: B | 4 USERS: A
Sucked In

Night on the beach. Time to meet the castaways! Charlie is writing "FATE" on his fingers, and some girl is painting her toenails. I'm glad everyone is making an effort to keep their digits looking good. I have to watch this show, after all, and there's nothing worse than watching a show filled with people with boring, unadorned fingers and toes. Toenails's companion, the Pen Wrangler, comes over and offers her some chocolate, which she rejects out of hand. Many folks on the boards have talked about how this scene proves she's a bitch. And I'm not disagreeing that she's a bitch, but I also like to imagine that she rejects the chocolate because she's actually deathly afraid of chocolate and cannot get near it, even if there's no other way to stay alive. She's not a chocoholic; she's a chocophobe. Pen Wrangler tells her that they may be stuck on the island for a while; she tells him that help is on its way, and that she'll eat on the rescue boat.

Hurley sits down next to the pregnant lady and gives her some food. "Any more...you know...baby stuff?" he asks. She says she's fine, and he gives her an extra meal. Later they will find him, rolling around on the ground, moaning, "It tastes like burning."

Meanwhile, Mercutio is hanging out with his son. Also, there's a Korean couple speaking in subtitles. The fact that there are subtitles (I had heard their dialogue would go unsubtitled) makes me sad because I was looking forward to writing not-quite-dirty fake dialogue and attributing the translation to my friend Denny who knows Korean. I'm goin' do it anyway, though. This scene is way better if you disregard the subtitles -- in which the man tells the woman to stick with him and not to worry about anyone else -- and imagine instead that he's saying, "You're so totally sexy. I love your demure, downcast eyes. Your demure, downcast eyes get me hot, baby, so fuckin' hot."

Fake Kate stands near Jack, who is tending to a guy with a gigantic piece of shrapnel stuck in his belly. She asks if he's going to live, and reveals that he was sitting next to her.

Later, as they sit by the fire, Jack and Kate try to piece the crash together with the aid of an incongruously immaculate palm-frond airplane. I like to imagine that they filmed a much more extensive version of this scene, with palm-frond airplane wind-tunnel reenactions, just in case ABC turned down Lost but was interested in C.S.I. Deserted Island. Jack says he blacked out before the crash, but Kate says she saw the whole thing. They establish that the cockpit might be mauka of them, and decide to look for it tomorrow. Jack also realizes if he's gonna ask anyone their name, it might as well be the hot chick who thinks he's awesome as opposed to the big dude who looks like Harry Knowles. It turns out Fake Kate's name is Kate, which is a little confusing until you realize the character is actually Kate Beckinsale herself! Star of Pearl Harbor! Just like how Jennifer Grey was a character on, you know, it's like, you know, and Judge Reinhold a character on that Judd Apatow show that never got picked up. But Kate Beckinsale's career is still on the upswing, so they had to hire a doppelganger to play her. Ingenious.

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