Episode Report Card
Daniel: B | Grade It Now!
Dear Diary: Aaaaiiiieeeee!

Back in the jungle, Sensei Locke is showing Walt how to throw knives at trees. Walt claims that he sucks (which he kind of does), and Locke talks a lot about visualization and Walt's mind's eye, and Boone tells him to go easier on the kid (Boone is quite obviously jealous of the attention Walt's getting). So Walt tries again, thinking for a moment, and then firing the knife dead on into the knot target on the tree. Boone's impressed, Locke's proud, and Walt's thrilled. But once you've seen a young student catch a fly with chopsticks, this ain't so impressive.

Mercutio stomps in, grabs the knife from Walt, and then proceeds to yell at everyone within earshot. I think knife skills could come in handy on this island, but I don't know that I'd leave my son in the care of crazy Locke and Locke's disciple to learn them. Mercutio orders Walt to head back to camp, and Walt protests but eventually stomps off. Once he's gone, Mercutio starts yelling at Locke, despite Locke almost hilariously trying to show Mercutio how well Walt was doing. Mercutio's waving the knife around as he yells, which prompts Boone to jump him and grab the knife from him. "You need to calm down," says Boone, on top of Mercutio. Mercutio's response? He punches Boone. It doesn't say a lot for your fighting skills, I have to say, when you're holding a knife, on top of some other guy, and he still kicks your ass. Locke suggests that he's bonding with Walt because he treats him like an adult, while Mercutio treats him like he's a kid. Hey, news flash for Locke: Walt is a kid. Walt likes you because you let him throw knives around. And treating children like they're adults is how we wound up with the North American Man-Boy Love Association, isn't it? Mercutio points out that Walt is, in fact, just ten years old, and Locke gives him some bullshit about Walt living through a lifetime already. "Maybe you haven't spent enough time with him to see it, but he's different," says Locke. This seems to touch a nerve with Mercutio, even as Locke prattles on about him being allowed to reach his potential as long as they're on the island. "You stay away from my son. And me," says Mercutio, wagging a finger in Locke's face. Commercials.

The screen is filled with the face of what might be the most adorable baby boy ever. Little Walt is playing with his daddy, who's adamant that Walt's mother is not taking his son away, to some job in Amsterdam. He wants to know why she's no longer happy and doesn't consider the legal clinic a good fit. "This is a huge opportunity! You know I've always wanted to do international law!" she says. Somehow, arguing about the particular job she's working doesn't seem like the most important thing when the mother of your child wants to take him and leave you behind, does it? She gently reminds him that they talked about spending some time apart, and he reminds her that they talked about a lot of things, such as living on a boat, like she's going to say, oh yeah, we did talk about living on a boat, but we're not doing that, so I guess we won't spend time apart either. Man, I've been dumped before, but I hope I've never flailed as uselessly as Mercutio is here. He acknowledges that they have some problems, and suggests they go to counseling. Baby-Mama (please, please, PLEASE, let us know her name soon) casts her eyes downward. Mercutio quickly figures it out: "Oh, man. You already took it, didn't you? The job," he says. She says yes. She points out that Mercutio hasn't worked in months (he protests that construction is sometimes slow) and she says she'll be able to provide for Walt and give him everything he needs. "Except his father!" says Mercutio. But Baby-Mama's mind is made up, and she even drops a "who do you think the court's going to side with?" bomb on him. Mercutio just stares at Walt while Baby-Mama says this isn't goodbye forever. Because yeah, when you're taking your boyfriend's son all the way to Amsterdam with you, there's a chance you'll patch things up. "I just, I need some time," she says.

Man, she should be stuck on Craphole Island. They have nothing but time there. Mercutio watches Walt sleeping, and Sun strolls up to ask Mercutio in her halting (and mostly secret!) English if he's all right. Mercutio says he is, but he just doesn't know how to talk to Walt and show him that he's on his son's side. He recounts to Sun Locke's advice about not treating Walt like he's a child, but that's hard since he's missed all of Walt's childhood. And also, because he would be the rare parent who doesn't treat his child like a child even as that child graduates from high school, then university, then gets a job, then gets engaged and buys a house. Or is that just me? On the other hand, there's something awfully comforting to know that when I visit my parents, my dad will always excitedly tell me that he bought the salt 'n' vinegar chips I like, and also Dr. Pepper. And what good does it do to tell your own dad that you're almost 30 and are quite capable of buying your own potato chips? ["About as much good as it does when you're past 30 and can buy your own Diet Coke, i.e. none. Don't look a gift dad in the mouth, is my advice." -- Sars] "It just can't happen," says Mercutio. "What?" says Sun. "He can't grow up here. He can't grow up in this place," says Mercutio. Someone might want to tell him that the odds of Walt actually growing up if he stays on that island for an extended period of time ain't that great. Not that that would ease his mind or anything. I'm just saying.

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