Lost

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Live Alone; Die Together

As Esau takes his leave; the camera zooms out and gives us a full profile look at Four-Toes. From this angle, I can't tell if its snout is supposed to be that of a hippo or a crocodile. The Alphabet Network confirms the statue is of Taweret just about the time I (thanks to many of the lovely and talented readers who e-mailed me) decide it can't be Tawaret, and must be Sobek. Sigh.

First you cancel Pushing Daisies and make us wait months for the last few episodes, while you air the insipid Cupid, then you screw up my readers' Lost speculation, even though they have to keep themselves busy until 20-fricking-10. How like you, ABC. How like you.

Theme Song!

Iowa; Sometime In the 1980s: I give a standing O to the casting director for putting Emily Rae Argenti in the part of wee Kate, because I knew who she was supposed to be before she said a word. The already freckled "Katie" and her model-airplane-owning friend Tom Brennan (played here by Tanner Maguire) plan a shoplifting caper as they lean against the bumper of a pick-up truck. I try to shoo wee Tom away from the license plate, but I never get a good look at it. It does, however, end in 023.

Tom's a wussy...er...a good boy trying to resist Katie's siren song composed to lure him into an all-too-short-life of crime, so he won't help. He'll just stand lookout as Katie tries out her newly sticky fingers. From behind and in profile, Katie looks so much like my own daughter that I want to grab her ponytail and pull her out of that store before she steals the New Kids on the Block lunchbox she's about to slip into her backpack. I can't, so I don't. The kids make the rookie mistake of trying to book it out of the store as soon as the heist is complete, so the shop owner nabs them. Are you tough enough? He recognizes our girl as Diane Austen's daughter and is set to call the police and her mother, but frickin' JACOB appears in the store, and offers in a seemingly Christ-like way to pay for the lunchbox. The grocer accepts the money, hands Jacob the lunchbox and lets Kate off the hook with a warning never to return without her parents. After he disappears, Jacob gives the lunchbox to Katie, and squats so he can look her in the eye. "You're not going to steal anymore, are you?" Katie doesn't look like she believes herself as she shakes her head no. Jacob then boops her on the nose with his index finger and says, "Be good, Katie." She smiles and watches him as he walks off. Did Jacob do the right thing? Is he redeemer or enabler? And if he's an enabler, what are his motives? You be the judge, while we jump to...

Submarine; 1977: An announcement comes over the P.A. system, blah-blahing about system checks and operational depth. The captain then tells the passengers they'll soon be receiving their sedatives and will be escorted to their sleeping berths. "Have a nice rest. See you on the other side." Kate tells Sawyer and Juliet that they have to get out of there. Sawyer reminds her they're underwater, duh, and asks what she's doing on the sub anyhow. How did she get caught? She tells them (him) that she came back to get them (him) and that Jack's about to blow up a hydrogen bomb. When Sawyer asks why he'd do that, Kate does not, of course answer him, because this is Lost. Instead, she says they have to, duh, stop Jack. Juliet looks to James for his answer. He sighs. "Sorry, I'm gonna pass. [...] You just don't get it, Kate. We were happy until y'all showed up, but now that's all over, so we're going to drink our O.J. and take our chances in the real world. If Jack wants to blow up the island? Good for Jack." Speaking of Jack, we cut to...

The Tunnels Under Dharmaville: Jack wonders aloud how they're going to move a 10 ton bomb across the island, Sayid corrects that it's actually 20 tons. Don't be that guy, Sayid, or I'll exile you to Ted Mosby's Duchy.. He gets over himself quickly enough and informs Jack that Daniel's notes indicate they don't have to take the whole bomb, just the core. And Daniel, being Daniel, left detailed instructions on how to remove it, arm it, dump it in the Swan and make everything go KABOOM. People all over the internet buzz about whether or not that's a workable plan, so I wave my hands until that swarm of mosquitoes leaves me alone, because it's a workable plan on Lost where people travel through time, come back to life, and whatnot, and because if I knew that much about thermonuclear weaponry, I'd be working for the Pentagon, and wouldn't have to pay self-employment taxes.

Richard objects to this plan. "We sealed that thing up 20 years ago and we put it underground because it was emitting radiation." And by "sealed" he means they laid a tarp over it, and by "put it underground" he means just that -- they stuck it in the tunnels, even though Daniel told them to bury the sucker in concrete. I wonder if their casual storage of a leaking nuke has anything to do with the fertility problems on the island (and Lara Chang's future cancer). Eloise tries to shush Richard, but he asks her if this sounds like a good idea to her and reminds her that she's pregnant. Most pregnant women would deck him, here. But Eloise calmly says that's "exactly why we have to help them see this through."

Poor Richard is confused. I've got to set him straight (but not in the way that makes him stop being Guy-liner, because that would be wrong). Richard, let me explain. No, it is too much. Let me sum. It seems you've forgotten the point of the Jack Daniels cockamamie plan. The idea, my love, is to blow up the Swan site, therefore preventing the incident (although I don't understand how a bomb wouldn't cause the incident, since the mere act of drilling did, but Jack Daniels gets it and I digress), which will mean Oceanic 815 never crashes on the island, which will mean that Jack will never come to the island, which will mean that the Swan site never gets blown up, which will mean the incident happens, which will mean Oceanic 815 will crash on the island, which will mean Jack will come to the island, which will mean Jack will blow up the Swan site, which will mean that the incident never happens, which will mean Oceanic 815 never crashes on the island, which will mean that Jack will never come to the island, which will mean that the Swan site never gets blown up, which will mean which will which... Never mind.

Sayid explains that Daniel was explicit about his time table and there are only about two hours for them to get the core out of the bomb and blow up the Swan site, so we cut to...

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Lost

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