Welcome to the second hour of the season 5 premiere of Lost. That first hour flew by, didn't it? I hope this recap follows suit. Here we go. We begin shortly after Penny has rescued her darling dashing Desmond, the Oceanic Six, and Frank -- the chopper pilot. Per the title card, it's "Three Years Ago." I see you counting on your fingers. Don't bother. I mean even what I've been referring to (and will continue to refer to) as the current day or present is actually 2007. I think. Yeah. Right. My point is -- have some more popcorn, and use your fingers for a salt lick, like God intended. Aboard Searcher, Des brings two beers up from below deck, while Jack explains to everyone that they need to lie -- to claim they are the only survivors of Oceanic 815, so that they can protect the strand-aways from the wrath of Charles "I Can't Get No Respect" Widmore. Most of the gang is in shock, so unlike us, they don't realize how this almost makes sense -- but not quite. Or do they? Frank's cool with whatever they decide, or maybe he's hammered. Hurley, bless his heart, is totally against lying. He's really this show's moral center -- isn't he? Not that there are a lot of other candidates. He wonders if Penny can't appeal to her father. That's a big No! So, he suggests that if the whole gang tells the same story, it will be credible, regardless of how crazy it is, and then they can...I don't know, get help for the strand-aways... or themselves... I guess. That part's (even) less clear (maybe). He looks to Sayid for support, but doesn't even get a stretch-camisole's worth. Sautéing the words he'll someday eat, Hurley tells Sayid, "You know what, dude? I'm gonna remember this, and someday you're gonna need my help and I'm telling you right now, you're not getting it." Might I suggest a hearty Pinot Noir to wash that down?
Mainland; current day: Hurley drives so erratically, you wonder if he's drunk. I know you're trying to wake Sayid, but eyes on the road, dude! Behind him, a cruiser turns on its siren and lights. Hurley pulls over. The cop approaches as Hurley chants to himself to stay calm, and maybe he could if it weren't Ana-fricking-Lucia behind the badge. She asks, "What if I were real," and then berates him for driving like a maniac, and for pulling over -- since the cops already have pictures of him covered in blood, with a gun in his hand. Hurley's protest that it's just catsup falls on deaf, dead, imaginary ears. Well except since there's a lot of time travel going on, not to mention all the extreme undeadness of once-and-maybe-future-dead-people, so she may not be so imaginary after all. Is-it-live-or-Memorex Ana-Lucia tells Hurley he's got to pull together and encourages him to start with the basics. "First off, you need new clothes. Then you need to go to a safe place, and take Sayid to somebody you trust. You getting all this?" When Hurley says he is, she tells him to get to it and cautions him to stay away from the cops. Hurley thanks her, and she starts back to her not-real cruiser (unless it is) but can't leave well enough alone. "Oh, yeah. Libby says 'hi'," she says, thereby undermining much of the confidence she'd just instilled. When Ana-Lucia and her cruiser disappear into the ether, Hurley turns to a still-comatose Sayid and says, "Well, you heard her." because that's... healthy? Who cares? Poor Hurley. Get a move on and do what Ana-Lucia said, even though her teeth now look like she made a deal with the Devil.