Tricia Tanaka Is Dead

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It's Miller Time!

Back on the beach, Sayid and Locke are trying to figure out why Jack said not to go after him. Kate points out that since Jack sacrificed himself to save them, he probably did not want the sacrifice to be for naught. Duh. Sayid asks about The Others' boats, and Kate said they gave Michael a boat, and not only did they have other boats and could come and go as they pleased, but according to Carl, The Others lived on Craphole Island. Sayid and Locke ask who the heck Carl is, and Kate explains that he escaped with them and then Sawyer let him go. They'll have to ask Sawyer about that, though, because Kate is going to completely ignore her own sage words and the sacrificiness of Jack's sacrifice, and is going after him. But first she is going to get help. Locke and I ask simultaneously, "Help from who?" Because we sure don't know. Kate walks purposefully into the woods. Can't tell if she took a shower first. I would have, but I'm like that.

Hurley and his family are gathered around a table that has a Golden Jesus in the middle of it. The Cheech comments on what a heckuva Jesus it is. Hurley's mom apparently likes the statue because the Holy Jesus was a shining example of a good son, and never more so than when He is hand-carved out of solid gold. (Get it? Shiny? Gold?) The butlers simultaneously lift silver lids off of dinner plates to reveal hamburgers, French fries, AND lasagna. Oh, Hurley. The Cheech comments on the food, and Hurley's mom tells him that the butlers made it themselves and that Hurley found them in Bennigan's. Cheech asks Hurley if something is wrong, because apparently the fact that two people died in front of him and a meteor destroyed his business doesn't give him the right to a full sulk. Hurley ignores him until his mother tells him to answer his father. That's the last straw for Hurley, who demands to know why he's supposed to treat The Cheech like his dad since he walked out on them seventeen years ago. Good point -- and isn't Hurley's mom a little put off by the fact that his dad just showed up after Hurley won the lottery? The Cheech pipes up that he came when Hurley's mom called him 'cause she was worried about Hurley. Hurley's mom thought he needed some manly influence, what with all the talk about Australia. I don't see the problem on that front; Australia's a pretty manly place. Hurley reiterates that The Cheech is only back because of the money, and, surprise, there is not going to be any money. Hurley is getting rid of it all. Hurley gives the butlers their severance and tells them to get out before they get killed or worse. He then turns on The Cheech and tells him to get out. But his mother is having none of that, because it's been seventeen years, Hurley. Seventeen years since what? Mama Hurley covers the ears of her pretty pretty Jesus statue and says, "I have needs." Hurley and I simultaneously cover our ears and yell "no no no!" His mom tells him to get over it and go show his father what's in the garage. Guess Hurley saved his dad's Bitchin' Camaro. My sixth-grade teacher had a Bitchin' Camaro, too. And he was a teacher at a Lutheran school in Oregon and still lived with his mother and had a penchant for orange short-sleeved button-ups and khaki corduroy bell-bottomed pants. So the car is obviously cool.

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