Episode Report Card
Dan Kawa: B | 3 USERS: A
I Wanna Touch You Outback
"Just calm down," Jack says, and Sayid notes that there are plenty of things on the island they can eat. Sawyer sits down in one of two connected airplane seats and asks how they're going to find the food. A big fucking knife flies into the other seat and twangs there. Everyone looks at Locke, who appears to have thrown the knife from over ten feet away. That right there? Is bullshit. That should be grounds for knife confiscation. "You either have very good aim, or very bad aim," Jack says, handing Locke back his knife. Why would you do that? He's just gonna throw it again. People like that never learn. Jack asks what they're going to hunt, and Locke goes off into a 109-word monologue, the upshot of which is, they're going to hunt boar. He reveals that the steel box is, yes, full of knives. Hurley says, "Who is this guy?"

Flashback! Locke picks up a ringing phone and hears a voice say, "Colonel Locke, is this line secure?" Locke looks to his left, then to his right, and says, "Line secure." Heh. The person on the other end of the phone tells Locke that the target area is secure and that maneuvers are a go for 1300 hours. They rattle off some more military jargon, before a wide shot reveals that Locke's sitting in a cube farm and is getting bitched out for failing to have finished his TPS reports on time. Hey, he works at Initech! Glad to see the company got back on its feet after Milton burned it down. I guess they did have a crack construction crew working on it. Locke's boss, Dave Grohl, yells at him for making personal calls during work, and smirkingly calls him "Colonel."

Commercials. Seth Stevenson is crazy: Those new Burger King ads creep me out.

Jack wants to know why Kate's so loaded for boar to go off on this hunt. They banter inconsequentially for a while until she reveals Sayid's antenna, which he's asked her to set up. "This isn't about boars," Jack says. Kate replies, "I'm a vegetarian." Who ate bacon one episode ago.

Walt wants to know why he can't come on the hunt. Mercutio resists the obvious temptation, to bring Walt along as bait, and instead looks around for a babysitter. He pulls aside Sun and, speaking very loudly and slowly and throwing in extraneous hand gestures, asks her if she can look after Walt. Look, I know that for financial reasons and for reasons of streamlining the storytelling, the makers of Lost can only focus on the fourteen or so primary characters, leaving the other thirty-odd survivors to be background and occasional bit players and Iron Giant chow. I am willing to suspend a little disbelief and not be bothered when it's always characters we know who happen to find themselves in the middle of things. But are you really asking me to believe that Mercutio couldn't find anyone else among the survivors to look after his child besides Sun? Not, for example, a babysitter to whom he could actually communicate his wishes? That there is a marriage of contrivance, that is. Anyways, Sun responds in Korean, of course, and my friend Denny, who speaks Korean, tells me she says, "You've seen me naked, [Mercutio]. Why won't you take off your pants?" Mercutio, for some reason, believes he's gotten through, so he gives the okay sign with his index finger and thumb. Oh, that's pretty universal. Walt protests that he doesn't need a babysitter, and Mercutio gives the extremely parental excuse that Vincent the dog needs Walt to stay. Are we sure he's never spent time with a kid? Sometimes he's a natural! Sun turns to Walt; according to my friend Denny, who speaks Korean, she says, "My husband's turgid sperm has never impregnated me, so my womb cries out for you, darling boy." "Whatever," Walt replies.

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