Once the trifling triumvirate enters Ben's cabin, he leads them to his actual secret room. While he's pulling back his shirts to get at his safe, Miles spots the old, wooden door. "What's that -- a secreter room?" Ben: "It's where I was told I could summon the monster. That's before I realized that it was the one summoning me." That's what I was trying to say about Original Recipe Locke and the sweat lodge ritual, in whatever recap that was. Ben and Richard confer and decide they need blow-the-plane-to-hell amounts of dynamite, so Ben takes all six bricks of C4. It's then that the guys hear a noise in the kitchen.
It's Zoe! Wait. Zoe doesn't get an exclamation point. It's Zoe. As he and Richard hold her at gunpoint, Ben asks the question we've been screaming all season: "Who the hell are you?" It's then that Charles Widmore (!) enters. "She's with me." We know that, Chuckles; we just don't care. Why couldn't she have been Annie or someone who frigging matters to us in some small way? Even the butcher at the shop where Ben stored Locke's corpse would have sufficed. Instead, she's just a waste of time. Every minute with her is one we could have spent with characters we care about -- who are now getting killed off left and right. Die, Zoe. Die. Die. Die. Tch. No such luck. Commercial.
After the break, Charles pours himself a glass of water from Ben's tap, which seems like a stupid thing to mention -- but it catches my eye each time I watch this scene, so you have to hear about it. Nyah. The unarmed Widmore tells Ben to put down his gun and then orders Zoe to return to the dock and get their equipment from the outrigger and then sink it. Ben, who hasn't dropped the gun, tells Widmore he'd better answer him or else. Widmore: "If you shoot me then your last chance of survival will be gone." He then turns to Zoe and tells her to go ahead. "He won't do anything."
Once Zoe's gone, Widmore asks Richard why he's there. Richard explains the C4-plane-Kaboom plan. Widmore scoffs at them. "I've had the plane rigged with explosives since I got here. As usual, Benjamin, I'm three steps ahead of you." When Ben doesn't understand how Charles got back to the island after being banished, Charles takes great pleasure in telling him, "Jacob invited me." Ben says that's a lie, but Charles persists. "He visited me, not long after your people destroyed my freighter. He convinced me of the error of my ways; and told me everything I needed to know for this exact purpose." Wait a whoa, Chuckles. Your people -- your person -- Keamy destroyed your freighter. No one else seems to notice that, though. Ben's too curious about Jacob's purpose for inviting Charles. Before Widmore has to answer, Zoe radios to tell him she's spotted Faucke arriving at the dock. Widmore orders her to abort her mission and return to Ben's cabin as fast as she can. Once he's done, he turns to Ben: "If you don't want to die, we need to hide." Dun.
Sideways: The school nurse is on a break from screwing the principal, so she has time to put Ben's arm in a sling and tend to his wounds. When she calls him Mr. Linus, and he says, "It's Doctor Linus, actually," she scowls at him, then retreats to northern Siberia to fetch him an ice pack. I wonder if she knows he hacked into her private email and tried to blackmail her lovah. While she's gone, John Locke wheels his way in and asks Ben what happened. "I guess I got into a fight." Oh Ben, please. You got your ass beat. Anyhow, Ben gives Locke the details: he confronted Locke's attacker and got attacked himself. "And then the strangest thing happened. While he was beating me, I think -- I think I saw something." Locke doesn't catch Ben's drift, so he's already calling the cops, but Ben tells him he might want to reconsider. "The man told me that he wasn't trying to hurt you. He told me he was trying to get you to let go." Of what -- life? I mean, we know what Desmond's up to, but even if I were in Locke's unscuffed shoes, and even if I'd had some visions and a cathartic conversation with a hunka hunka burning spinal surgeon, I'm not sure that would convince me that the maniac who ran me down in front of hundreds of children was doing anything for my benefit, including letting go. This is just one of those things I'll have to accept, but it might have worked better for me if Des had beaten Ben and somehow talked directly to Locke. Anyhow, Ben adds, "And for some reason, I believed him. [...] Do you have any idea what he was talking about, Mr. Locke? Does that mean something to you?" Since, in either reality, Locke has never met a vague explanation he didn't love, it sure as shooting does. He hangs up the phone.
Over at the police station, we see the Desk Officer hanging up after Locke disconnects. It's then that Desmond approaches and requests to see a detective. We cut to James Ford who asks his partner in crime...fighting, Miles Straume, why he's getting all gussied up. Miles reminds him: "The benefit at my dad's museum. The concert I've been telling you about all week? Ring a bell?" Ford mocks: "Yeah. It's all I've been thinking about." Miles tells him can still be his date and we lose the slashers for the rest of the episode. Have fun, kids! When James finds out Charlotte's going to be there though, he decides to pass. Just then, the officer brings Desmond in to see our cop buddies. Ooh, ooh. Maybe there could be a spin-off that's sort of a Desmond's Angels type thing. Or even better -- Charlotte's Angels. James is Farrah. Miles is Kate Jackson. Desmond is Jaclyn Smith. Locke can be their Bosley. Ben can be their weasely informant. Hey, Jin's remaking Hawaii 5-0, which is mainly memorable for "Book 'em, Dan-o," the theme song, and the opening credits. Just think about it for a minute, Hollywood. M'kay? For those of you who turned in for a recap rather than my flights of fancy, suffice it to say that Desmond confesses to Locke's hit and run, and to assaulting Ben. James thanks him for not wasting the taxpayers' money. Congress asks him to give a lecture to the banking industry. And then they throw him in the pokey, which is exactly where Des wants to be. His cellmate is Sayid Jarrah. Over in the next cage Kate Austen lies -- immune to Desmond's charms, because how many boys can she keep track of, y'all?
Jack and Sawyer, both dressed in blue, get ahead of Hurley and Kate. Their talks turn from the location of the well (about an hour from Camp Fauke) to Faucke's motives for dropping Des in a well rather than killing him. Jack: "Who knows? Maybe it's one of his rules." Sawyer's voice is soft, subdued: "The bomb on the sub...you said he couldn't kill us." Jack turns to face his best frenemy. "I've been wrong before." Sawyer: "I killed them, didn't I?" Jack shakes his head and closes in on Sawyer. "No. He killed them." Poor Sawyer. His eyes are downcast. His cocky sneer has been replaced by a boo-boo-kitty face. He's crumbling under the guilt. Jack knows it, but he also knows it's better to not dwell. They move on.
As he and Kate are bringing up the rear, Hurley spies Adolescent Jacob (Kenton Duty) off in the bush. Kate knows something's wrong, but Hurley tells her he's fine, so she trudges ahead. When Hurley turns, wee Jacob is right up in his face. "Give me the ashes." Hurley: "What? Who are you?" Oh Hugo, who do you think? The ghost-kid-thing has no patience for this, because he's an angry, rude little snot. "Give me the ashes you took from Ilana's things after she died. I know they're in your pocket." Hurley asks why. Jacob: "Because they're mine." Hurley digs them out and asks what he wants t