Whatever the Case May Be

Episode Report Card
Daniel: C- | Grade It Now!
Pulp friction

So Shannon was so hurt by Boone's "useless" comment that she's decided to show him by…sunbathing on the beach. I guess I can't say I'm really complaining…as usual, I have no point. She decides it's time to turn over onto her stomach, and undo the straps on her bikini top, all the better to fluster Sayid with, as he strolls up and tells her that the sun might be a little more intense than she's used to, since they're so close to the equator. "I've got a pretty good base," she says. Sayid does not seem to disagree. And Charlie pops up to say, "'Base'? Why yes, I am in fact the bass player for Driveshaft, I'm flattered you recognized me." Anyway, the point of the visit is that Sayid wants Shannon's help translated Rousseau's notes. Shannon considers this, before asking if her brother put Sayid up to this. Sayid's all, whuh? "You're the only person on this island who speaks French," he says, when she protests. "I barely speak French," she says. "Please, Shannon. Can you at least try?" Shannon just looks at him.

Sawyer's busied himself trying to pick the locks on the briefcase with bobby pins, or something. Mercutio, dragging a sledge behind him with stuff from the beach, tells him he's wasting his time, because if Sawyer can pick the lock on a "Haliburton," Mercutio will take Sawyer on his back and fly them both to L.A. Sawyer suggests finding a runway, because there ain't no lock ever been made that he can't pick. Hurley strolls by, wondering what Sawyer's up to. "He's trying to pick the lock on a Haliburton," says Mercutio, which makes Hurley break up and yell, "Good luck!" and I'd just like to point out that this is the first time I've heard Haliburton outside the context of A) a famous Nova Scotian, after whom a lecture room at my university was named; or B) Dick Cheney, so it's quite annoying that seemingly everybody on this island is all down with briefcase brand names and security features. Mercutio tells Sawyer that the only way he's getting it open is with "impact velocity," but because the writers think viewers are morons, Sawyer asks what that is, and Mercutio says it's brute force, and to further condescend to us, he suggests Sawyer hit it with something heavy, like a rock. "Or the axe," he adds, quite specifically.

I guess Mercutio mentioned the axe specifically so we could cut to Boone, God's Friggin' Gift To Humanity trudging through the jungle with it (because otherwise we might not know that it's an axe), catching up to Locke, who's pleased to see Boone got it. "Isn't there an easier way to get there?" says Boone, and Locke says something about how the easiest way isn't always the best, like maybe Locke wants to get back in his wheelchair if he wants such a damn challenge all the time, and then he argues with Boone a little bit because Boone is a little hesitant over whether anybody saw him take the axe, until finally assuring Locke that no one did. "Good. Let's get to work," says Locke.

Back on the beach, Rose is dragging some stuff from the beach along the path of greatest meddling potential, which is right in front of Charlie. She says hello, and he doesn't even look up, and she's all, "Oh, that's right. You're not talking much these days. But it doesn't mean you get to be rude." That gets a response from him: "Excuse me?" She points out that everyone is helping move the camp up the beach, except for him. "Are you serious?" he says. "You think you're the only one on this island's got something to be sad about? Baby, I got sob stories for you, so why don't you grab the end of this thing and help me." He takes his sweet time before getting off his ass and helping. He's probably thinking the same thing I am: of everyone there, Rose is probably the last one who gets to give out lectures to people for sitting and staring at the sea. But anyway.

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