Love Cruise
Dirty Dancing

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Dirty Dancing

Cut to Ralph, sitting alone at a table. One of the blondes whose name I don't know yet asks whether she may sit with him, and Ralph agrees. At another table, Anthony describes to Lisa, Laura, and Adrian how he is very temperamental, and that music provides a release for him. Listening to music? Playing music? Just knowing that music exists? I don't know. Anthony says that if he doesn't get that release, he gets really wound up inside. Laura rolls her eyes. Anthony claims that he hasn't had a release since he's been on the boat, and Lisa pulls a face like, "Oh, don't pretend you and Laura didn't bang last night." Does Anthony realize that it very much sounds like he's talking about sex? He's just such a tool. Anthony goes on and on about needing music every day, and Laura starts laughing aloud. Laura pretends that she was laughing at Anthony describing himself as temperamental, but you know she was totally laughing at what an asshole he is. It almost makes me like Laura for a second.

In The Booth, Allison (who?) says that it's almost time to choose partners again; she wonders how you tell your current partner that you want to switch without hurting his feelings. Let's learn from the master. Lisa and Michael discuss whether they should stay together or split up. Lisa tells Michael that she wants to learn more about him, but that she senses he's uncomfortable. Let me translate for you: she knows he won't reject her, and won't make a move on her, and that he's safe. Basically, he's her backup plan. My man Michael says that he thinks it "might be a smart move to switch around," because he'd like to be with everybody. He's totally right. Lisa looks like she's going to cry.

In an interview, Tomiko says that the guys get to determine the pairings this time, and she thinks Adrian will want to be her partner again. In fact, she thinks that Adrian will be the only one who chooses her. See, I don't get that. I think she's the prettiest woman on the boat. Adrian says that he doesn't know whether he can have fun knowing that he's about to be voted off. Well, they're all going to be voted off at some point, except the winners, so you might as well relax and enjoy it. Tomiko and Adrian argue over whether either of them will be voted off soon. In an interview, Adrian looks exactly like Alvin, Sondra's husband on The Cosby Show, as he says that he and Tomiko bonded over fighting to stay on the ship. Adrian is also wearing these really ugly black shorts with orange flames on them. His shorts are Greased Lightning! He only wishes that they were "a real pussy wagon." And can I just add that I can't believe my mother let me listen to the Grease soundtrack when I was, like, seven years old? That song is dirty! Anyway, Tomiko comments that being on the ship is like "being at college and frat parties all over again." Adrian and Tomiko joke about the way the others high-five everything. Okay, that's funny, but really, what did they expect? I absolutely expected this show to be just like every stupid drunken college party, with a bunch of morons hooking up and switching around and hooking up again. I don't know why anyone would think it would be different.

Anthony and Laura discuss whether they should stay together or split up. It's a totally staged conversation, though, because they are both facing the camera instead of facing each other. In an interview, Anthony says that he and Laura promised to be honest to one another. They've been together for two days, and they're already setting ground rules for their relationship? Laura says that she wouldn't mind splitting up (read: I'm sick of you and your shitty poetry) and Anthony claims that his cabin is their home base (read: I'm scared that you will tell the other women about my tiny penis and that none of them will want to be my partner). Laura suggests that they switch for two days, and then get back together (read: let me the fuck out of this cabin, you tool). Anthony disagrees with that idea (read: you're young, and it's possible that I can control you with my mind games, or you might buy my brand of bullshit).

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Love Cruise

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