Love in the Wild
Eight Couples

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Snakes in the Grass

So last week, we lost Camel Face Vanessa and Unfrozen Caveman Peter, mostly because of Peter's dumb, dumb moves. And the dream couples are Mike and Samantha (still together) and Heather and Miles (split up). Got it? Good. Let's go.

Kym dumped Adam for Steele because she's superficial. Adam stupidly thinks that there's still a chance for him with Kym. Dude, she's not into you. At all. Let it go. So anyway, Adam poached Heather, and now Miles is stuck with Erica. If you are just reading these weecaps and not watching the show, you must be so confused right now. Let's be honest. You're skimming. So let's just keep things moving, shall we? As they unpack in their new cabins, I lose all respect for Miles when it is revealed that he owns not one, not two, but three different hipster fedoras. Why? I could see buying one as kind of a gag. But three? And packing them for your trip through the Costa Rican jungle? Miles and I are through. THROUGH! Meanwhile Mike and Samantha whatever and Skip and Theresa (seriously, who and who?) are in LOOOOOVE! And we would know that if they'd have more than five minutes of screentime previously.

Hey, it's Ben's birthday! So today he's going to be even more of an entitled juicebox than usual. (Juicebox. It's the new douchebag. Catch up.) And you thought that wasn't possible. He and Brandee "banter," but really he's just a dick and she tries to pretend he's kidding. Yeah, that's healthy.

The host (Chet? Chad? Bret? Charlie? He really needs a chyron) explains that each couple will have to canoe to Snake Island. They'll get instructions and a map that will direct them to an old plane wreck. They have to grab a crate and return to their homebase. And there are snakes on Snake Island. In case you thought the name was metaphorical or something.

Ben and Brandee are in last place and Ben complains that Brandee has "the stereotypical girl attitude." She...hates him like most other girls? We know that's not true. Anyway, I guess he means that she's not competitive. Yeah, women aren't competitive. Have you been watching the Women's World Cup? Various couples have troubles with the canoe, including (gasp!) Mike and Samantha! They are arguing! My faith in love is shattered!

Derek and Jess arrive at Snake Island at the same time as Kym and Steele. They keep hyping the snakes, but until they show a snake in the same shot as one of the couples, I'm not buying it. So far, they are just showing us inserts of snakes hanging from trees. That footage is probably recycled from some National Geographic special or something. Derek and Jess know how to use a compass and arrive at the crates first. When they go to pick one up, it's covered in snakes that were definitely not placed there by a certified snake wrangler who's standing just off camera. Ooh, scary!

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Love in the Wild

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