Love in the Wild
Nine Couples

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A Bridge Too Far

You guys, why are they making a Smurfs movie? And does this mean that my original Smurfs figurines are now going to be worth money? Because if so, I am accepting bids. I didn't keep them because I love Smurfs. I kept them because I forgot I owned them until I was cleaning out the closet in my childhood bedroom.

The next morning, the couples gather to find out about their next adventure from the host. What's that dude's name? Chet? Chaz? Brett? Bro? Eh, it doesn't matter. Anyway, the adventure involves traversing a maze of flimsy bridges and collecting ropes. They have to clip themselves together with six ropes, and then cross the finish line. They don't get a map. I am going to enjoy how dumb these people are. It's the opposite of The Amazing Race. It's not even really The Mediocre Race. It's more like the The Unexceptional Race or The Unsurprising Race. As in, I won't be surprised when most of these people get lost and start yelling at one another.

So the first tether is located in the trees behind the couples. Most of them quickly find one, clip it on, and take off. Except for Ben and his new partner, Brandee. He's already yelling at her, and tells us that he wants to see how she reacts to his "competitive nature." By which he means "asshole tendencies." I just figured out that with his terrible haircut and lizard eyes, Ben looks like the villain in an '80s movie about a fraternity in the South, or maybe an evil rich plantation owner's ne'er-do-well son. The guy is no good, is what I'm saying, and his face shows it.

So obviously, the editing might be misleading, but I'm not a detective so I'm just going with the story they're showing us, and what they're showing us is that Adam and Kym are the first to find their second tether. Adam is the dude with the terrible, terrible facial hair and a neck the size of a redwood. Kym, despite her love of Steele in the hot tub, claims that she and Adam have a good vibe. Meanwhile, Jason and Erica are having trouble walking while connected with one tether. Doesn't bode well for what will happen when they have six.

Steele and Vanessa are the first to arrive at what I'm going to call Bullshit Bat Bridge. It's a bridge that goes through a tunnel, and there are bats inside. Not a ton of bats, but even one bat is bullshit. I would just turn right around. I hate bats. Vanessa is admirably pretty brave about it, as is Steele, and they grab the tether that you knew would be right inside. Ben and Brandee go through next, and in their rush to get through the tunnel, they miss the tether. They catch up with Steele and Vanessa, and notice that they have two tethers. Vanessa tries to get Steele to clam up, but Steele immediately says that there was a tether in the bat cave. So Ben gets all pissy about it and immediately blames Brandee for not finding it. Brandee interviews that her first impression of Ben is that he's a jerk, and his reactions are out of proportion to actual events. Let us remember that Brandee was about the only woman who was willing to be Ben's partner, so he might not want to piss her off.

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Love in the Wild

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