Episode 5

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Heart Like A Wheels

-- but the thing where people put their feelings on animals, I don't get. I'm allergic to everything so I haven't had a lot of pets in my life, but animals seem to be mostly like you think they are. The personalities people ascribe to animals I have seen in real life, but only rarely. And then you have this secondary romance where, if an animal likes or does not like you, then that says something about your character. And I do believe that is also true, but not to the degree we get force-fed all the time. It just comes off as very performative to me when people do this, like, "Look at how much I care about animals! I am a silly baby lady!"

Even a very smart horse is dumb enough to get caught in barbed wire and then keep running, because it is scared, until it has pulled a full-on Equus on itself. And so even if a horse could redeem me with its love, or look into my soul and see the truth about me in its horsey way, I still couldn't take that much pleasure from it, because that's still a pretty dumb animal that I'm looking to get validation from.

I mean, I guess I want to be liked by everybody, and that includes dogs and cats and horses, but I just can't see making those demands from any creature that doesn't know what words are or that doesn't have a problem with hanging around in its own crap, any more than I would feel a magical moment if some rude-ass junkie in a wheelchair told me I made him feel a little gay: At the end of the day, my worth is not impacted by those things, and it seems really ... needy, really project-y, to go another way with it.

But then, I never said these were my people. Only that, as of this episode -- which, note, had zero Walter, zero Nathan Israel, and very little Rosie in it -- I am kind of in love with them all.


Ace deals with an increasing array of creeps, the Old Man owes somebody money, Catherine Keener's face has been up to something, Porky thinks about suicide, an earthquake occurs, Nathan Israel flips, and Claire considers Ace anew.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.

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