Another episode of crazy set-up and terrible fashion. Seriously, Laurel wore this disgusting lime green dress while Sutton is supposed to be -- and I quote -- "smokin' hot" in this a one-girl mariachi band of a bikini. Also, is Emma training for a marathon or something? She is constantly going on sweaty runs. It's gross.
Ethan Not Bright: Sutton asks Emma for her blessing to pursue Ethan, and she gives it to her. What she's a bit more openly not okay with is Sutton "helping" Ethan out of academic probation by writing an important paper for him for school, also known as cheating. When their freakshow of a teacher tries to catch idiot Ethan for what is obviously not his own work, "Sutton" covers for him but makes it clear immediately afterward that she hates him right now.
If You Snake Jordan: Jordan, as it turns out, is pretty great. He's Rebeccannie's stepson, and will now go to school with the whole gang, most of whom he's totally related to without even knowing it. Mads immediately bumps into him and they realize that they're stepsiblings, which is horrifying to them both yet hilarious to us given the fact that they just had sex last night (and yes, it's confirmed that they did, in fact, do it). They agree to stay friends -- but do they though? Do they? -- and Jordan flirts with Laurel, very much to poor Laurel's liking and reciprocation. Sutton the meanwhile is also kind of seducing Jordan, but it's mostly just to keep tabs on him I think. Oh, and Jordan has become BFFs with Ethan and tries to get the scoop on him and Sutton, but Ethan leaves him in the dark -- and mind you, it's a very dark dark, as Jordan has no idea Emma exists.
Kristin and Ted's Bogus Journey: After surprisingly little convincing, Kristin and Ted agree to go to marriage counseling. Once there (apparently it was a walk-in clinic, amirite?), they talk about Rebecca, and Kristin makes Ted promise that he's not keeping any more secrets, which he so obviously is (like, thanks, Show, I'm not an idiot!). They go out for coffee and while Kristin wouldn't quite call the night "amazeballs" (Laurel's words, not mine), everything's looking better. You know, except for Ted's many secrets with Rebecca.
Mads About You: After begging and pleading, Mads finally agrees to go see her dad in prison. She asks why he's not saying anything about the twins, and Alec says it's to protect the twins from the murderer who's out there trying to keep their secret from the rest of the world. They talk about the night Derek was murdered, and Alec goes on about a woman in a car and the lake and all of this sketchy stuff... apparently, that photo of him with the tire iron happened when Alec picked it up the out of self-defense because Derek was talking all crazy to him -- but he never hurt him! Mads believes his story and cries sooooo much.
Wait-stressed: Dan runs prints on Alec's golf bag for Theresa, and he uncovers the markings from one Jessica Whitman, a waitress at Chelsea Creek. They go investigate, but idiot Jessica runs like crazy into her own backyard and quickly gets taken down and into questioning, but not before screaming, "He said you'd never find me!" Turns out some unknown dude paid her to put the tire iron in Alec's bag. Theresa is happy because now she can get Alec out of jail, but Dan is skeptical and doesn't want to rule out the possibility that Alec set the whole thing up himself and paid that waitress to frame himself for murder to throw everyone off! Theresa is like, "You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy."
Party of the Week: Okay, so the entire episode culminates at this welcome party that Rebecca throws for Jordan... but first, she tells him to stay away from Sutton and invites Ted for another round of mind games. Before the action, there's this hilarious scene where she tries to spy on Laurel, but Laurel, in the least clever way possible, tells her to shut up.
So, at the party, Mads is wasted again and flips out at Thayer for convincing her Alec was a liar -- and in the process, we learn that Thayer isn't biologically related to Alec. See, Alec is his stepdad, and him and Thayer's mom got married when he was a baby. Bio dad came back when he was 12, convinced his bio mom to run away with him but Thayer chose to stay with Alec and now Thayer thinks Alec resents him for that. This will probably be important later.
Ethan watched the whole interaction with Mads, Thayer and Emma and assumes there's trouble in paradise. Emma tells him to piss off, and then he has the nerve to make fun of her for being a virgin.
So I've already told you about Jordan's chemistry with both Laurel and Mads, but I cannot overstate his big ol' man crush on Ethan. He gives him a ride home so that Ethan doesn't drive drunk, and his new buddy has him drop him off in the cabin... to bang Sutton! The real Sutton, not the "Sutton" that Jordan has just watched scream at Ethan while with another guy at the party. He's super hurt about the betrayal. I know that feel, bro.