Previously on The Lying Game: Last-minute wedding! Last-minute arrest! Ted is a lying cheat! Rebeccannie is in cahoots with her daughter Sutton! Other things!
After some uncharacteristically terrible line-reading in this previouslies from Alexandra Chando where she basically reminds us that this show is a sexy teen twist (is there any other kind?) on The Prince and the Pauper, we jump right in to Rebeccannie, "Sutton," Mads, Thayer and Laurel ("her?") at Alec's bail hearing. Everyone is looking sexy as ever (including the real Sutton, who has been hiding in the bathroom, just waiting to pop out and scare Emma), though Mads has clearly been hitting the bottle hard these days. Rebeccannie pretends like she gives a crap about Alec until we hear her talk to her daughter/accomplice Suttons, where she reveals to us their evil plot: To get Alec a death sentence for the murder he probably (based on where this episode is going) didn't commit. Alec is denied bail, which leads him to fire his lawyer and then... wink at Emma in the creepiest way possible, natch. Ladies and gentleman, you have your setup for the season.
I'll make the rest short and sweet, as we all know this show is only as complicated as it is on paper:
Alec's Jailhouse Visitors: So in the course of I think two days, every single person on the show visits Alec in jail. Emma, despite her better judgment, goes first and learns that Alec knows all about her and Sutton, but won't reveal why he isn't telling on them. He then tells Emma not to trust Sutton, because duh! Next Theresa shows up to visit Alec, per his request because he wants her to represent him, despite the fact that she put him behind bars. He swears it's because if she believes him, so will a jury and judge, and so he tells her his story (very convincingly and conveniently off-camera) and she agrees to defend him. (Oh, she's totally back with Dan, by the way.) Thayer then visits his dad to get the scoop, and Alec is like, I ain't telling you shit because I know you were plotting to throw me into jail, then jabs at his son for going between the twins, which fills his son with guilt (but later leads to a nice romantic moment between Thayer and Emma, who are getting pretty serious). Oh, and speaking of love connections, Alec's last visitor is Rebeccannie, who is totally secretly pissed about Theresa being his lawyer. And I think Alec is on to her? Anyway, NO TOUCHING!
Real Eyes Realize Sutton's Bullshit: Bad news, Emmathan shippers: Sutton is putting her move on Ethan. He hasn't been doing so hot lately, so for some ungodly reason Theresa tells him to make things work with Sutton. The two eventually go on a contrived motorcycle ride (after getting in a fight about talking about Emma), where a mysterious and very douchey stranger attempts to race Ethan, to no avail. It's really cheesy and fun, and Sutton all but calls Ethan a pussy for not racing. Then she falls over and pretends to hurt herself in order to make Ethan play doctor with her later while playing mind games on him about destiny and love. After spending some time holed up alone in the cabin, just when she thinks she's about to get some from Ethan coming home, it's actually Mads who joins the party and calls Sutton out on her lies. It's pretty great and leads to this hilarious scene where Sutton begs Rebeccannie to smash her ankle with a log. Like mother like daughter! Anyhow, Mads later catches up with Ethan and he reveals he knows Sutton is totally faking her injury. Dun! Ethan and Sutton get together a bit later and Sutton is either finally ready to be honest or really very good at pretending to try to be honest with him. Ethan buys her lines about her being in love with him (I might too?) but doesn't let her spend the night.
Laurel's Stupid Concert Thing: Oh god, there's this whole stupid thing about Laurel's show at the Fairway Music Fest. Basically: Ted, "Sutton" and Laurel have this master plan to get Ted and Kristin back together at the show, but Kristin is seriously pissed at Ted thanks to not only the exposed infidelity, but also because Rebeccannie has plotted some evil sabotaging shit and revealed upsetting details about her affair to Kristin. As it turns out, Ted and Kristin ruin Laurel's big night by fighting really loudly in the most humiliating way possible. Elsewhere at the fest, the masked motorcycle dude ends up being a cutie pie named Jordan, who accidentally spills the beans to Emma that Ethan was chilling with Sutton. Jordan then hooks up with a drunken Mads in a pool, and it seems like it went well until hours when later Mads shows up at the Mercer lookin' a mess and asking if she can take Kristin up on moving in with her and the girls.
Mother Shocker: I probably don't need to tell you that everyone hates Rebeccannie -- especially Ted and Kristin -- but there you go. There's this great scene where she and Sutton go for a dip in a pool that looks a lot like the title sequence, where she reveals her plan: Freeze Alec in the divorce, win back Ted and have Sutton and Emma back. "The family that should have been." Turns out she's bribed Alec's judge, too. At the end of the evening after Laurel's Aforementioned Stupid Concert Thing, Rebeccannie and Sutton catch up with each other to reveal their evil doings of the day, when there's a knock at the door. It's cutie pie Mads-hooker-upper Jordan... Rebeccannie's son. Dun for real this time!