Make Me A Supermodel

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Jeff Long: C | Grade It Now!
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Butt We Love Your Smile

There's Branden's behind, which never gets old. Well, it will one day, but definitely not during the run of this show or for many years afterwards. The photogs decide that Branden and Jonathan should trade suits, so we get dueling behinds. I could write a bit of a dissertation about the individual qualities of their backsides, but let's just leave it with -- they're hot. Hot asses. As they trade, Branden says, "Dude, my cock is touching his cock." Laughs all around. This is my favorite show. Nicole comes in to say that, since so much is being asked of them for this shoot, they're going to have some help. It's Nicole's "friend," Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, Jessica Gomes. Like clockwork, Branden interviews that she's sexy and goes, "Mrow!" She explains that swimsuit modeling is about creating curves and showing off the suit. She will be giving each of them tips during the shoot.

She starts with Jonathan, who is wearing this modified '80s gym short. Jessica says that it's a good suit, because it's not tight and he can move. Sandhurst is wearing silver lamé shorts and he says that they make him think of Poseidon, god of the ocean. Tyson's all "exactly." Sandhurst says that he needs to bring intensity with his eyes, but Tyson warns him not to squint. Branden has the slimmest body of the boys, so Jessica tells him that he'll need to move around a lot and be fearless. Tyson tells him to act like some sort of god of the sea in order to forget the cold. Hot coffee would also help, craft services. Jessica tells Salome that, while wearing a 2-piece, you have to suck in your stomach. Nicole adds that Salome should use her ass, just make sure it's not the only thing in the picture. They tell Mountaha to accentuate her waist and use her boobs. That's what I plan on telling my daughter on the eve of her high school graduation.

Salome goes first. Her arms are wrapped with eels and she poses with a fishing net. She looks so cold that it's painful. Indrani tells her not to smile, but I think it's more of a grimace. She finally stops smiling and Indrani is much more happy. Markus tells her to act like she's having a good struggle with a lover. Then, Markus tells her to turn around and it's like he hit the jackpot. He loves that ass. Salome freaks in her interview that the judges are going to be upset about her showing her ass. The final shot is her holding a fish above her head and her butt pointed at the camera.

Jonathan is trying to distract himself from the wind and his self-described "raisin-like balls." He carries two large fish in the photo. Markus asks him to act like he's bringing the fish home to his lover. He says that he was very happy with Jonathan's performance. He goes back into the dressing area and he's freezing -- he says that the worst part is holding the fish, because they're kept on ice. Sandhurst is worried. The temperature has dropped two degrees. They put squid on his shoulders. He's having a hard time showing multiple expressions, because he's fighting the cold. Markus asks him to make it sexy, but his teeth start chattering. Indrani asks him to act less like a robot and Markus wants him to be sexy. All of the instructions are confusing him. Then, Markus asks him to run out of the water, which Indrani tries to nix (because it's too freaking COLD!), but he makes him do it anyway. They're not happy. Markus says that he seems more like a Wall Street guy than a model. He's really worried after the shoot.

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Make Me A Supermodel

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