Making the Band
Breaking The Band

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Two Men Enter, Nobody Leaves

Hi. It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks for me, kids. Recappers, as much as we hide our sensitive underbellies, are actually people, too...deep down in there. So, I'm just going to say right here that I'm probably going to take it easier on crybaby Trevor this episode because I'm feeling the boy, okay? I promise by next week I'll be ready to tackle O-Town with the ferocity of a mother wolf. But this week, I'll save the venom for Ashley. Here goes.

Okay, first of all, having those Osbourne kids host The Hook Up was a brilliant idea. They couldn't be any stiffer, and they say the word "O-Town" like they're trying to interpret German.

Do I have to do the "coming up next" part? Because I'm fixing to recap the episode, so I'll just be recapping some of it twice. I'm not going to recap it. I don't want to spoil the fun, you see. Here's a hint: Trevor yells at Ashley for rocking out without a monitor. Ashley goes to Hollywood to act in a basement blackbox in Compton. A very ugly man talks to Ashley. A tight close-up on Ashley reveals that the makeup rigors of this show are taking their toll on his sweet skin. Give that boy some exfoliant.

Ah, the opening credits. I can't find anything new to pick on this week. Wait. Give me a minute. Hold on....Just a second...Oh, it's the word "performers." That's the thing this week. I think it's a bit misleading right in the beginning to call them "performers," but I do appreciate that they don't call them "musicians," "singers," "dancers," or "talented." Also, I think they keep changing the footage inside those tiny squares. I never noticed the Jacob/Janie kiss before.

There's a strange quiet moment while all of the boys Abbey Road through a dressing room. Ashley complains about having the headache of the century. Trevor asks what was "up" with "Love Should Be A Crime." Surprisingly, he's discussing one particular moment of the song, rather than just breaking down and confessing that it really shouldn't be sung or performed by anybody anywhere ever because it's a horrible collection of notes. The screen freezes on one side in a flashback to show Ashley rocking out with his guitar while Trevor points at him and looks to the other boys to see if they notice how horrible Ashley is performing. Ashley confesses that his ear pack wasn't working and he "don't [sic] have no reception" at all. Trevor then uses his hands to illustrate where the rest of them were singing the song, and where Ash was singing the song. I can't stop looking at the arm sleeves that Trevor is wearing. Is he a stripper? I don't get it. Ashley then tells the boys that he doesn't have "any ears," so he was just trying the best he could to sing while deaf. Suddenly it's Ashley and Silent Mike arguing in a bathroom. Silent Mike tells Ashley that he's got to tell someone he's got a problem when he's got a problem. Ashley says he did tell someone. It sounds like Ashley yells, "I told Puck six times last show." You can't tell anyone named Puck anything. That's Life Lesson #9. I just gave you that for free. Flash to Ashley and Trevor arguing again. Trevor tells Ashley to tell Puck there's a problem and to be specific when there's a problem instead of just whining, "I have no ears!" Ashley tries to interrupt Trevor, but Trevor knocks him down with a stare. Then Ashley curses and says he was just telling them what happened. Ashley starts to unbuckle his pants and walks over to the urinal. Ashley says the word "fucking" again, but Silent Mike, Trevor, and Ashley are all arguing at the same time, so it's hard to figure out what's going on. Okay, really, I'm just holding my breath waiting for Ashley to pull out his dick, so I'm not listening to a word of this fight. Do it, Ashley! Whip it out! Instead, Ashley says this sentence: "Try to play rhythm guitar, sing a harmony on pitch, when your ears keep going 'Chi-choo-chi-choo-chi-choo!' I did the best of my ability." Trevor answers, "But there's no excuse that you can't not do it right [sic]." Whatever that means. Trevor tells us that he can't stand how the tour is going so far. He says he needs a few days off.

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Making the Band

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