Zzzzzzz. zzzzzzzzzz. Dan gets a strike. Zzzzzzzzzz. He dances until he slips in his bowling shoes and has to pull it off like he meant to do some breakdancing move. Dan then high-fives the same stranger in every single corner of the bowling alley.
Erik is wearing the white polyester disco suit. You know the one. "Heaven" plays for a long time, which is a welcome break from the constant O-Town barrage. I don't know why the date doesn't get to dress up. Unfair. They dance. The choreographer loves Erik. Erik loves the choreographer. Erik never stops looking at himself in the mirror and hardly touches his date when they eventually dance together. "I love this suit," he announces to us. "Polyester is my fabric." You heard it here first.
Trevor asks his date, "You liked it?" "Yeah," she babies back. "Thank you so much," he says. "You're welcome!" she answers. No phone number, no nookie, another loss for Trevor. He brags to us that he "easily" had the wildest date.
The bridal march starts playing. The chapel doors open. Ashley is now wearing a tux top over his t-shirt. The chapel is filled with all of *~~TaMmiE~~*'s invisible friends and relatives. Ashley is appropriately terrified. He tells us that he thought this was just supposed to be a radio contest to promote their album. "I don't want to get married on our first date," he moans. There's an Elvis standing at the altar. He says that they are gathered to unite Ashley and *~~TaMmiE~~*. By "they," I guess he means the three of them. It's so sad that *~~TaMmiE~~* doesn't have any friends to scream in the background. Elvis asks if everyone is ready for the ceremony. "Uh," Ashley answers. "That's good enough for me," Elvis says. Elvis makes Ashley and *~~TaMmiE~~* hold hands and gaze "passionately" into each other's eyes. *~~TaMmiE~~* reads her vows without a stutter. Except she fucks up the "for now and always" part and adds an extra "for" in it. Ashley puts a ring on *~~TaMmiE~~*'s finger. It's hideous and gigantic. Oh, y'all. *~~TaMmiE~~* got a manicure for this. Elvis asks Ashley to repeat after him. "This isn't for real, right?" Ashley asks Elvis. "That's good enough for me," Elvis answers. Look at this paragraph I'm writing. Just toss this paragraph in a West Wing recap some time and see how they respond. What are we doing with our lives, people? Ashley finishes the vows, and even says, "I give to you all of my love" as if he's serious. Elvis pronounces them husband and wife by the state of Nevada and has them blow bubbles instead of kissing the bride. *~~TaMmiE~~* says this is the best day of her life. Ashley says to us that this can't be for real. "Thank you very much," Elvis says, and Ashley walks down the aisle with his new bride *~~TaMmiE~~*. The car boasts a "Just Married" sign, but as it pulls away, you can see that Ashley is not inside.