Making the Band
Going To The Chapel…

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Nice Contest, Trash

Vegas. Twenty-three girls have shown up for the "Win A Dream Date With O-Town" finals. Scotty V, my most hated DJ of the episode, is announcing on a microphone that the contest is about to begin. Every girl in attendance is wearing braces. They keep showing the same six girls cheering from different angles, trying to make it look like there are more people in the room than there are. "Let the games begin!" a few girls scream to each other.

We start with Erik's finalists. These three girls have to eat as many bananas as they can in three minutes. "To try to impress [Erik]," the DJ explains. One of the finalists is a tiny Japanese boy, I'm pretty sure. The screen fills with a "You Don't Know Jack" rip-off to explain our finalists. Denise is a New Yorker at heart, Dana loves to ski, and Sarah likes to cook. The girls rip open bananas and shove them into their mouths to the tune of "Get UR Freak On." I'm fixing to get my puke on, y'all. The ticker in the top left tells us who we're looking at and how many bananas she's shoved into her face, but it's hard to read that when you have to look away from the screen. There's nothing sexy about a pre-teen shoving bananas into her mouth. Even is like, "Fuck, man, that's gross." Erik eats a banana as Ashley tries not to throw up. Jacob is pretending he doesn't know where he is. Sarah's fifth banana goes in sideways. I think that's the nastiest sentence I've ever written. Sarah's fifth banana goes in sideways. I'm so grossed out. One of the girls wins. Does it really matter which one? All of the girls are doubled over, sick as shit from the potassium overdosing. Even the audience doesn't have the strength to clap. Denise, the winner, freaks out and screams as she jumps in the air. The camera cuts before she projectile-vomits all over Erik. The DJ asks if Erik is happy. Erik pretends he's a screaming girl, too, and says, "I am!" The DJ laughs as if Erik is the reincarnation of Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks in one. Erik walks the girl away so she can vomit in private as the crowd coos over how nice Erik is for putting his arm near the winner.

It's Jacob's turn. He's still pretending he's not actually a member of this band. The girls come out and hug O-Town. Booty Girl cheats by straddling Jacob and clinging to him like the baby monkey he loves so much. Mothers cover the eyes of the children in attendance. Booty Girl is asked if she really likes Jacob that much. "I just wanna spank his booty," she repeats. Yeah, we got it, skank. Jacob's humiliating contest? Wrestling. The girls have to wrestle. For Jacob. The least skanky girl looks so disappointed. She had a song all ready and everything. The finalists, complete with stupid fun facts: Dawna is in the Navy; Rebecca loves Jacob's dreadlocks; and Ashley wants to spank Jacob. Finally, a true sentence. It's finally written down. Ashley wants to spank Jacob. Thank you. A giant man gives the rules: "No spitting. No eye-gouging." The game is, knock the girl off the mat, you win the round. Round one is Dawna and Rebecca. The boys flinch at the display of girl power in front of them. Dawna pretty much slams Rebecca right into the ground, smashing her kidneys into pavement. It's just a nightclub. This isn't where people are supposed to bodyslam. The DJ reminds Jacob that these girls are beating each other up over him. Jacob says he's aware of this. Booty Girl Ashley then beats the shit out of Dawna. Knocks her over. The boys are terrified. "This is horrible!" we hear one of them say. Dan has to look away in fear. Booty Girl throws Dawna out of the ring. Jacob is shocked and terrified that he now has to date the incredibly violent Booty Girl. She pulls her pants back up over her ass and gives a kiss to the camera. She hugs Jacob as he tells us in a confessional that Booty Girl might be too "outrageous" for him. Booty Girl then smacks Jacob on the ass. Hard. The DJ babbles on incoherently. Jacob tells the DJ that he's a little afraid of his date. Booty Girl shows that her arms are all scratched up from the fighting, but she's proud of her victory. "I'm spanking him hard!" she pants, as she clutches her friend in celebration. Jacob tells us that he hopes Booty Girl isn't just on the date to spank his booty. Jacob, what makes you think she's on the date for any other reason? She seems only capable of saying those three words.

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Making the Band




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