By the way, Wing? Does this mean I don't have to recap this show anymore? I mean, banana-eating and wrestling? It's eleven-thirty and this shark is jumpin', jumpin', if you know what I'm saying. ["Hey, I thought we were all off the hook when ABC canned it. I don't know what to tell you." -- Wing Chun]
It's Ashley's turn. He tells DJ Pathetic that he's a little nervous. The finalists: Jodie is very romantic; Linda is a massage therapist; and Tammy knows Siegfried and Roy. Who doesn't, Tammy? For real. Tammy's the one with the funny video. I'm still spelling it *~~TaMmiE~~*. The girls giggle a "hi!" to Ashley. He waves back using his pinkie. Shot of Erik being jealous. For fuck's sake. Ashley's girls just have to come up with this cheer about how much they love Ashley. These other girls are bruised and vomiting, and these girls have to just jump around? Oh, they also have to stuff their mouths with marshmallows. Who made up these contests? The First Baptist Church of Houston? The girls are handed pompons. Ashley eats a marshmallow. Jacob hides his head in shame. For thirty blessed seconds, nothing happens but shots of, like, Ashley smiling and a hand holding a bowl of marshmallows as we hear No Doubt's "Hey, Baby." Jodie's cheer through a cheekful of marshmallow is: "A-S-H. L-E-Y. I love you." Then she laughs, chokes and suffocates from expanded sugar puffs. You know, you can suffocate on marshmallows. Don't they know that? Ashley and the boys are pleased with this half-hearted stab at poetry. The second girl slowly pops marshmallows into her mouth as Ashley and Erik pretend to be sexually aroused. Linda's cheer: "Give me a G! Give me an O! Give me a P-I-C-K! Gopicklindaashley!" Then she gives the TRL "woo!" and wiggles her hips like Britney. Then she chokes, suffocates, and turns blue. The entire No Doubt song has been playing this entire time so we don't completely die of boredom. *~~TaMmiE~~* is last. "Give me an A! S! H! L! E! Y! What's that spell? He's our man and he can do it anytime!" Ashley acts confused as the girls cheer and we all have to pretend that *~~TaMmiE~~* made some kind of double entendre and that her cheer had a rhyme scheme. Erik tells Ashley to pick *~~TaMmiE~~*. Ashley obeys. Jacob laughs at her. Ashley confesses that he thought all of the cheers were really good, but *~~TaMmiE~~*'s videotape was the best.
Dan's girls are next. Hilary says that Dan is her man; Liz is from Ohio...like Dan; and Danielle once met Dan at a Wal-Mart. Shoot me in the head. Please. Somebody. Save me from this. Dan's contest? Twister. With three exclamation points after it, according to the title on the screen. Dan gives a few orders for left hand yellow and shit, but Trevor butts in making his own calls so he can see girls with their legs spread. Dan decides to just play with the girls instead. One poor girl is playing this in a dress. Now that Dan's playing, the boys are cheering and watching, happy to see the game. Girls take pictures. Ashley is now leaping around the Twister board as Dan's caught in a girl sandwich. "I'm competitive," he tells us. Trevor tattles that the girl in the dress fell. They eliminate her, and the cute blonde wins. She falls on top of Dan and they embrace on the Twister board. Her name is Hilary. She celebrates with two other girls, one of whom is Booty Girl.