Making the Band
Making The Singer

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Boring! Take Off Your Shirts!

Paul is finalist #1. He's nineteen and works in real estate. Sure he does. All five finalists are boys, each one catered to the tastes of the O-Town boys. Paul's shaking like a leaf. He messes up, swallows, stammers and tries to keep going with the O-Town karaoke as Jacob tells us that these boys are pretty nervous. Jacob tells us, "You gotta handle, handle your nerves." I smell a single!

Finalist #2 is Jason, eighteen. His goal is "to become famous." Jason looks like a Gary DellAbate who is able to sing the lyric "morph-erotic dream" without it sounding like "muff-erotic." He's standing too close to the boys while he sings, and his Thriller-like jacket is appealing only to Jacob. Ashley wishes that the finalists were singing to other songs. "They're auditioning with our music," he says. No, Ash, they're auditioning with Diane Warren's music.

J.D. is Finalist #3. He's twenty-four and works for an animation studio. Gee, I wonder which animation studio is in Orlando? I can't imagine. His voice doesn't warble, even when he screws up and coos, "My bad." The boys love him and hate him equally.

Finalist #4 is Michael. He's twenty-one and a Musical Theatre major. I appreciate that whoever does the titles spelled it "theatre." Michael is incredibly sweaty. Here comes the great line from Erik: "I couldn't help but just look at the guys and just see a little bit of myself in them." Y'all, when they hand me lines like that, it feels just too easy to make the joke. It's too easy. I won't do it. You've already done it in your head. We'll move on together. Ashley tells us that he already knows who these boys are because they have dreams just like he did. Ashley uses the past tense here to let us know that all of his dreams have already come true. All of them. Ashley is done with dreaming. That's so sad.

Scott is Finalist #5. He's twenty-three and a "Disney World Performer." I'm pretty sure he's also a Chippendale's dancer. Where's Lou? Ashley has to talk into a microphone for some reason to tell the guys that they're going to compare notes and come to a decision in a few minutes. The finalists are ushered out of the room. Dan tells us that he wasn't looking forward to making the decision. We cut to black-and-white to flashback to when Dan was first cut.

The finalists are sitting at a table somewhere all facing out toward the camera.

Ashley informs the boys that he was impressed by certain things about each finalist. Isn't that helpful? Trevor says that there wasn't one person who stood out. Just like O-Town. Trevor finally breaks down and admits, "I like the third guy -- J.D." We see J.D. sing again, this time without his screw-up. His voice goes up and down as he sings "All Or Nothing," jumping his voice like he's getting spanked. "He interpreted the song," Trevor corrects me. Erik adds that when J.D. started singing his "rendition," Erik found himself listening. Unlike the other finalists where Erik was daydreaming about being back in bed with Ash, I guess. Jacob says that J.D. "obviously had the most experience with...uh, music." "Uh, music." That's what they create. Trevor says that #1 could dance. Paul's dance moves are best described as "*NSYNC In Restraints." Ashley thinks that #2 was the best dancer. There's a black-and-white flashback of Jason dancing. It's so bad I have to turn my head away from the television screen. Imagine Janet Jackson dancing inside Gary Coleman. There you go. Then Trevor says that #4 was a pretty good dancer as well. Michael does a few moves from Britney's Slave 4 U video, complete with hula-girl butt-shimmy. He even feels himself up. Erik says that the boys should just start their own group.

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Making the Band

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