Jacob gets the easiest question. She asks him if his mother knows what languages he can sing. Jacob used to work at a Macaroni Grill, where he went from table to table singing opera. Jacob's mother is all, "He knows the I-Talian language!" They make him sing in Italian. Jacob starts singing, and my television screen shatters. The cats run in circles and a fire starts on its own in my fireplace. My toenails curl backwards and turn black. My hair flutters to the ground. The hand of God comes down and flicks me back a few feet, trying to save me from the torture of Jacob's I-Talian vocals. It's like getting stuck inside a Renaissance Festival.
FakeCarson has to go all out on the finger quotes as she asks Erik when his mother knew he was going to be a "heartbreaker." Erik gets all upset and shouts, "I never broke hearts! I was always the one getting heartbroken!" FakeCarson doesn't have "therapy breakthrough" written on her notecards, so she just lets the audience of girls make a confused moaning noise. Erik guesses the age "eight." MamaErik says it was when he was four. This must enrage Jacob, who has only been doing most things since he was five. MamaErik says she took a picture of him (to empty out her roll of film. I love that -- like a picture of her son was an afterthought), and he jutted out his tummy and hooked his hands in his pants. Erik freaks out and falls to the floor, begging them not to show the photo, but they do. It's black and white and Erik's posed in a total kiddie porn pose worthy of a Calvin Klein spread. Everyone is in hysterics. Erik runs in a circle, beating his hands up and down like a monkey as one of the moms screams, "He's dying!" This is why she flunked out of nursing school. Trevor wants to touch Erik. Ashley celebrates, because that's how he always sees Erik. Jacob has to get off his stool. Dan doesn't understand what the problem is. "That was awesome," Trevor beams. Erik is mortified. Jacob asks to see the picture again. Ashley looks protective, but the girls won't stop screaming. The picture goes up again. "I want it blown up to poster size," FakeCarson says. "It needs to be hung up somewhere," she continues. "Make it a shrine." Ashley's like, "You have no idea." Erik thanks his mother through us again. When is this episode ending? When? FakeCarson taunts that the boys have another surprise coming up after we're forced to watch the video for "We Fit Together," the song I've renamed "The Breaking of the Dawn."
Girls scream and "woo" over the song as they say how much they love O-Town, and the ticker at the bottom of the screen says how great O-Town is. Some girl from Sugarland says, "This song has an awesome beat and makes me move my feet and I just want to get up and dance all night long." I vomit all over my coffee table. WOOOOOOOO!