Making the Band
National Tour

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"Mommy? Make The Bad Men Stop Singing!"

Previously on Making the Band: The boys are going on tour. Touring is hard. You know, with two episodes every week, the shows are starting to sound just like, “Wah! Wah! Wah! Work is hard!” People are stressed because they have only two weeks to pull the tour together. It’s hard being a one-hit wonder with a crap-ass show. It’s the hardest thing in the world sometimes.

Credits. Someone erase Jacob from my memory, please.

No Name is attempting alchemy again. He’s trying to teach the boys how to sing. Erik’s getting even worse. No Name tells him to breathe while he sings. This makes Erik’s voice crack as he screeches the lyric, “Like Haagen Dazs, you hit the spot,” and I really don’t know which is worse: the singing, or the songwriting. No Name tells us that it’s strange that these boys have such a following. Like he’s the only one wondering how this happened. He says it usually takes about three years to get this kind of notoriety, and he’s trying to fix any problems that might happen. No Name is full of The Advice That Says Nothing, and he tells the boys this: “I need everything. I need all of it. I need everything you got, you know what I’m saying? I need all. I need it all. 'Cause we’re way, way, way behind. And there’s no time. Time is not our friend right now. So. Our ass is up under the gun.” Jacob laughs and says that No Name’s been telling them that from the beginning. Ashley laughs and agrees. Y’all. Jacob is wearing not one, but TWO do-rags. That’s got to be some sort of record, right? There are five boys and six do-rags in front of me. Jacob has turned into that post-Behind the Music-looking Poison member in a very unhealthy way. No Name’s not done spouting off philosophization with wordinizing and intricthoughables: “We have to ourselves be abnormal human beings and give abnormal human efforts.” True. True.

Cue the fighting. Dan wants to know when they’re going to choreograph. Lou is there suddenly, saying the boys have to figure things out on their own and find time to learn the tour. It’s really making just as much sense as I’m writing it here. Someone asks a question and someone else kind of doesn’t even answer it at all. I love this next thing, here. Ashley, who’s so concerned about getting the tour finished that he’s coming up with new ideas that they have no time to work on, wants to know if he can play his own instruments on “Love Should Be A Crime.” Now, the real crime is that there are now two fucking episodes devoted to this shitty song, and I moan because I’m going to have to hear Jacob’s warbling for another half hour. Ashley’s going on about how it’d be “a cool thing for the club tour” if he and Jacob could play guitars and sing the song. Dan, Lou, and Boston Mike all make the same “what a douche” smirk at the same time. Ashley keeps on talking crap, and Boston Mike totally doesn’t think Ashley could play a note, so he says that Ashley can try. Ashley says that if he and Jacob played instruments, it would show that they are “talented.” Hee. “And that’s what people want to see.” No, Ashley. Listen. We just want to see you naked. That’s it. Take off your shirt and shut up. Please shut up. Shut up. Shut up shut up shutupshutuptakeoffyourclothesanddance. Ashley tells us that the public “has gotten numb to the whole ‘singing and dancing thing.’” There aren’t even words to describe how ridiculous Ashley is at this point, thinking that people are biting their fingernails, wondering, “What’s O-Town going to do next? They’re so hardcore and cutting edge!” And Ashley thinking that O-Town is anything more than a “singing and dancing thing” is also pretty funny. ["Ashley thinking that they're even in the same area code as 'a singing thing' of any kind is pretty damn funny too, if by 'funny' you mean 'completely inexplicable.'" -- Sars] Lou warns Ashley that people don’t want to see Ashley and Jacob being un-multi-talented. Well, Lou, perhaps you shouldn’t parade them on this television show, because every week they prove how untalented, in multitudes of ways, they are. Lou says they’ll look like fools if they don’t practice “and get it down right.” He reminds them of the Miss America incident. Ashley acts like he’s never heard of the country. Which is only fair, since the country acts like she’s never heard of Ashley, either.

Studio. All of Jacob’s clothing is continually blurred out in every single episode, and at this point I imagine that all of his clothes feature women and men bent into porno positions. It’s better than knowing he’s just another Fubu poseur. Lou tells us that there was a deal where he’d help cover the cost of the tour if they needed money. Luckily, we change scenes just as Ashley starts singing “Love Should Be A Crime” to a half-hearted group of O-Town people.

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Making the Band

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