Making the Band
Orlando Blues

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Heathen: D | Grade It Now!
Orlando Blues

Previously on Making the Band: Lou Pearlman came a whole lot closer to making a band. Paul's girlfriend Carrah professed love and trust, but Paul admitted that he's likely to cheat on her. Ikaika morosely left a girlfriend in Hawaii. Vocal coach Mark Goff chided the guys for being late on their first day.

The credits tell us this is a case of passion and sacrifice and living a dream. They prefer not to mention this is also a case of a gross overweight old albino man with too much money and a knack for exploiting young boys.

We return to the inaction just where we left -- in Mark's studio with a bunch of dejected-looking guys listening to Mark spout melodramatic admonitions. Erik-Michael's lips are one collagen injection away from being Angelina Jolie's. "You can be replaced," Mark repeats. "So you know what to do." Then Mark hands each guy what looks like a condom, and they all turn around and stand facing the wall. ("Jooooosh!!!!" screams Heather Donahue from Blair Witch Project.) It's not latex, though -- it's paper, which Mark's using to teach the art of blowing. To assess and increase their lung capacity, each guy has to inhale hard and blow on the paper, holding it against the wall with just the power of exhalation. Mark wanders from guy to guy, snapping his fingers and scolding them for not breathing in rhythm. He demonstrates, "one...two...three...gasp," and looks here like the Pillsbury Doughboy probably did the very first time anyone stole one of his Grands Cinnamon Rolls and poked him in the belly.

But Mike's mind isn't on blowing things. "I couldn't stop thinking about how we're going to lose three," he tells us in the patented Bunim-Murray confessional. "It kinda hurts." Meanwhile, Mark's paying rapt attention to Ashley's jaw, which apparently isn't dropping enough. "I couldn't even get a straw in there!" Mark complains as Ashley giggles, thinking it'll be a cold day in Orlando (so...November, maybe) before Mark puts anything in his mouth. Moving right along, Mark then urges the guys to use their lips to control the flow of air. "They're not just for kissing the girls!" Mark reminds the gang, which makes Paul straight-out guffaw, because that's why God gave him lips and everyone knows it.

Four hours later, the voice session is complete, and Mark tells the guys they'll have one four-hour session per day to anticipate with bated breath. We oooh and aaaah over the rigors of life in a boy band. Pooped from all that respiration, everyone sits in a circle and jerks...jerks open their water bottles. Paul says they need to step things up a little, and Ashley's suggestion is that they all get up and go running. Yeah, babe, there's some incentive not to hit snooze and sleep late. Erik-Michael decides to pass the buck, saying he was up and ready and doesn't appreciate getting yelled at for other people's blunders. No one points out that he could've woken everyone up. "We are all a chain," Ashley says, timidly dabbling in metaphorical speech. "One weak link affects everyone." Mike pipes up, "Exactly!" so that we know Ashley's theory gels with Mike's "Reunite" mantra. In an aside, Bryan Chan speaks his mind.

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Making the Band




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