A few meaty morsels from last week: Most of the band arrived in Los Angeles for a press tour, but Ikaika stayed in Hawaii and didn't make it clear when he'd return. "He's MIA, bro. He's just MIA," Ranger Marc told Ashley, as though vanishing tenors are just par for Lou's course. The credits roll as we contemplate Ikaika's inner turmoil.
Those master storytellers at Bunim-Murray Productions wove a gripping tale of Haku's passion and determination for making a complete nuisance of himself and his inability to sacrifice control over his brother. He gives love a bad name.
Chapter the First: Something's Rotten in the State of Hawaii. And apparently, it's migrating stateside -- Haku has arrived in L.A. He's escorting his younger brother Ikaika back to the mainland. Trevor, reduced to play-by-play commentary, tells us exactly when Ikaika arrived in L.A. as we watch the two lei-ed idiots roam the airport. This is actually footage from Orlando when the brothers grim returned after New Year's. The simple fact that I know this is sad, a disheartening product of having watched every episode, oh, four times. "I reasoned things out so that I could come back for myself," Ikaika tells us in new confessional scenes. "Staying here for my family was tearing me apart." Ikaika delineates four conditions on which he could enjoy the O-Town experience. Oddly, his list doesn't include the obvious "lobotomy" option. First and foremost, Ikaika says he sees O-Town as a way to make piles of money in a relatively short period of time. He also wants to return and be uninhibited and able to "go with the flow," and of course he spews some sugar about wanting to be "together forever" with Malia. I'm not sure how he thinks the band will help that happen. Unless he borrows Jabba's patented chain-link leash and metal-bikini ensemble. Ikaika's other stipulation is the stupidest: "If I had my older brother by my side I could handle it," he says. Granted, it is tough to handle life when your shared brain is basking on a Hawaii beach. But Haku's less a pillar of strength than a strong shooting pain in the abdomen.
Man Van, 90210: Ranger Marc trucks the guys through Beverly Hills. They stop for a very special concert at the Peach Pit and at least two of them are paid to sleep with Tori Spelling. Trevor cracks that they should watch for Dylan McKay. At home celebrating his fifty-third birthday, Luke Perry cheers feebly. Trev points out where Arnold Schwarzenegger supposedly lives, and Ashley marvels at the police station from Beverly Hills Cop. It's officially the worst tour ever of a star-studded city. Next stop: the Melrose Place apartments, and a dumpster that looks a whole lot like the one from that movie -- you know, the really famous film with a dumpster in it. For no reason, Jacob shouts, "Oh my God, we're in the ghetto!" I guess everything's a ghetto compared to the genetically engineered, idyllic life in the Underwood Compound. Ashley gets excited about the press tour. "It's three days jam-packed with pictures, wardrobe changes, and all the stuff that goes along with doing a lot of press," he says. Marc guides the Man Van to a hotel, and Trevor makes a crack about how they only go through front doors now. Yeah, after sneaking into fame and fortune through the back way.