Making the Band
The Britney Spears Tour

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"Something, Something, Move, Move, Move!"

We watch the boys dance to one of their songs. The caption reads "Choreography Rehearsal." Well, they still think we're kinda dumb. Oh, well. You can't fix everything in one season, can you? Erik tells us that they want to be the "cleanest dancing group out there." Impossible. Have you looked at Jacob? Oh, they mean dance-wise. Still impossible. The boys run through a number that ends with them frenetically miming smacking a girl's ass. Trevor then runs through it again, only remembering the part where he mimes smacking the ass. He says it all stern and passionate and it comes out like, "One, two, something, something, move, move, move!" Instantly I hear the opening strains of A Chorus Line. Jacob complains. Ed doesn't want to hear it. He says Jacob's not hitting his spot because he's not doing it right, not because it's too difficult. Trevor says something, something, move, move, move to the effect that critics who review O-Town at this Britney show will be more important than the critics that review them at their own shows. Whatever that means.

Can I mention here that not for one second did I miss the song "All or Nothing"? I am tired of Diane Warren. So tired. I think the DJ just called the song "All For Nothing." Is it "All For Nothing"? I don't even know. That's how much I care. Dan hears something on his cell phone that makes him scream. They've been nominated for "Song of the Year" at the Radio Music Awards. Dan dances like a chicken as someone explains to us that this is an important nomination, even though we've never heard of it. It's an industry award. The way they're explaining it, it sounds like DJs make the nominations. Erik explains that they worked "so very hard" to make good relationships with every Morning Zoo across the land, so it's rewarding to get nominated for being good radio guests with a song that doesn't actually offend anyone and can be played in any department store or movie theater lobby anywhere at any time. Jacob: "It is an industry award, and that doesn't mean a lot to us, but I would -- I would much rather rehearse over an award show any day." I wish Jacob had his own talk show where he just discussed all of the things that he hated and then just strummed a guitar, talking about Vietnam or some shit while the rest of us got to throw spoonfuls of sour cream at his dreads. That would make me so very happy.

Jacob pouts through some meeting on some steps outside. He tells Silent Mike that he doesn't think they should give up a rehearsal day to go to an award show. Erik wishes for a "clear answer." Trevor's stoked about going to Vegas for the award show. Erik explains that this is a big show that will be on national television ["It will? What, like on USA or Oxygen or something?" -- Wing Chun], and it's the first time they've been nominated for something, and it's for Song of the Year, which is the biggest award, and they should be there to accept it if they can. Jacob says they often spread themselves too thin, and that their shows suffer for it in the long run. Someone notes that they started their last tour without a run-through beforehand. Jacob barks that just because they let their last tour start out shitty and it got better, it doesn't mean that they can open for Britney with a sub-par show that will improve. The boys argue until Dan rubs his head into his expensive cell phone. Jacob says he's tired of going onstage with a crap show because they're so busy when they're not onstage. "It's all about radio," Ashley tells us for no reason. Jacob says the word "fucking." Trevor repeats that he thinks they should go because it won't hurt their opening night with Britney. He adds, "Plus, in Vegas, you know, I like to play craps." He mimes shooting dice with the international sign for "handjob."

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Making the Band

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