Married By America
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Welcome To The Hellmouth

The peepfest opens with Duane asking all the guys how they would describe their sexual appetite. I immediately put a clock on how fast someone will use the word "voracious." Duane then turns and waggles his hands in the air to acknowledge the girls in the audience going, "Wooo!" Because his question was dirty, baby! Dirty! Fifteen seconds is the answer on the voracious-meter, as Jack is first to answer the question, actually going with "abundantly voracious." Not just voracious, mind you -- abundantly voracious. He says that nevertheless, he has sometimes "practiced abstinence" at a girlfriend's request. Okay, so it's not like abundantly voracious, just mostly voracious. We move along to Kevin, who thinks the question is dirty. He doesn't really want to answer it. Because sex is sacred, dammit! Unlike, apparently, marriage. Kevin would never go on a tacky reality show called Pimped By America. Because sex? Sacred! Duane claps at this answer. The girl peeps are like, "Whatever, dork." Michael says that his appetite is "very hungry." He wishes for what he calls an "all-you-can-eat booo-fay!" Even he looks like he hates himself for making that remark. Then he looks up and says, "Can I say that? I can say that, right?" Dude, after Sarah slurped Evan on the soundtrack and then blew his sock, you can pretty much say anything. Jeff says, "I, too, am very hungry all the time." I'm half-expecting him to go on to, "I, too, would like a more powerful battery on which to operate," but he doesn't. He says that sometimes he just tears off a chick's clothes when she comes in the door, before she gets a chance to do anything. Is that a selling point now? Like poor Billie Jeanne needs to be tackled before she can even get her body glitter washed off. Jeff also uses the expression "go at it" in a way that makes me want to wash my ears out with Lysol. Tony is the last to answer. He first points out that this conversation is turning him on, too (which is wrong, but not for the reasons Fox is aware of), and then he says that sure, he likes sex. His appetite is healthy. But he really likes sex best when he's in love. And the eyeballs of America roll.

Secret-divulging time. This time, the secret is about Tony. And the secret is, he's had more than one woman in bed at a time. "Well, somebody had to hold the video camera," Tony says. Goodness. He then goes on to say that in fact, he would never tell. I secretly suspect somebody did have to hold the video camera -- and it was Tony, which is why he doesn't want to talk about it.

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Married By America

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