Married By America
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Welcome To The Hellmouth

The first guy dumped by the Peeps Of Stephen (where Good King Wenceslas looked out, incidentally) is Kevin. Oh, dear. Duane says BJ would "eat him up alive." I guess he should have claimed to have one of those voracious sexual appetites. Jeanmarie actually tries to set Kevin up with Paige as he's on the way out. Kevin basically says that it's fine with him to leave. Just fine!

Time for more questions. Duane asks Tony, who he deems "a good-looking guy," what he brings to a marriage other than good looks. After telling Duane he's pretty cute himself (no, really), Tony says that he brings himself. And that's "more than enough, usually," as he puts it. Oh, I'm sure it is. I'm just sure. It. Is. Next, Paige asks Jack about graduating from West Point, and how exactly that led him to want to write children's books. Heh. Jack promises a "wonderfully adventurous" life for any woman who is brave enough to get in bed with a guy who knows how to use a gun and can make a yellow balloon in the sky act as a metaphor for your divorcing parents. Jeanmarie asks Jeff about spirituality, because it's apparently important to him, and Jeanmarie is wondering if it would have to be important to his hypothetical wife. I think this question means, "You are religious. Billie Jeanne is a heathen, in about twenty different ways. Problem?" Jeff assures her all is well. As long as Billie Jeanne is "spiritual" (read: believes in her horoscope), he can live with that. Jeff also wants his wife to be "universal in her mind." And boy, do I have no idea what that means. Duane then asks Michael about being a self-described mama's boy. Michael is very, very slightly funny as he asks permission to wave to his mother, and does. He tells Duane that "mama's boy" is Greek for "I need a woman to kick me in the butt sometimes." I cannot tell you the number of things wrong with that statement, but...just assume that everything is wrong with it, and you won't be far off.

The Peeps of Billie Jeanne continue their deliberations by getting rid of Jeff. Duane says that "spirituality is great, but...the whole package is just a little incomplete." Because seriously, if you can't express your entire self to Duane in the answers to two questions, one of which addresses your sexual appetite, there's just something missing from your soul. Seek counseling, Jeff! Fill the void! Jeff good-naturedly leaves, undoubtedly happy to be freed from this trap. The Peeps of Billie Jeanne take the remaining dudes away to be questioned further, and Sean promises us that shortly, the phone lines will be open! All will be revealed!

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Married By America

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