Married By America
Episode 1 And 2

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Welcome To The Hellmouth

When we return, Jill's peeps have taken the table again to finish weeding out the boys. Jill is still in the creepy purple isolation booth, but they actually introduce Michelle, Scary Anthony, and Deirdre again, the better to fill out the available time. We see scenes of their interrogations of the various guys, in which Kevin tries to extricate himself from a "kissing doesn't count as cheating" statement and Vincent swears allegiance to his mother. Back on the stage, Sean rattles off the families' impressions of the guys as they stand there uncomfortably. Markus: The family likes him, but wonders if he has enough money. Vincent: The family likes his career, but they think he won't move to New York and won't want Jill to have a job. Kevin: They like him, too, but they think he's too nervous about this whole marry-someone- you-don't-know thing, so it's keeping them from getting to know him. Also, they think his jaw is way too square. Oh, wait. That's what I think.

And now there is a pause. While music plays. And more pausing. Music. Pausing. Pausing. Music. Pausing. Pausing. Pausing. Finally, Markus is told that he has been chosen. And then there is more music. And more pausing. Pausing. Pausing. The other one continuing is Kevin. Adios, Vincent! You shouldn't have sounded quite so into your mother, if you know what I mean. Sean assures him that there's a woman for him out there, which I'm sure makes Vincent feel better. Vincent assures the peeps that there are no hard feelings.

Blah blah blah votecakes. But before we all call in (yeah, I'm certainly going to be ringing it up immediately), Jill yells from her isolation booth a little message to us, which is mostly about how she needs a guy who will understand her career. And who has, of course, a good sense of humor and a great personality, because she has to pretend she gives a rat's ass about that. Each guy now gets a chance to campaign for himself. Markus says that family is the most important thing to him, which is why he's taking the whole thing so seriously. Kevin assures us that he came with his whole heart and soul, and he's going to be that way with Jill, too. Or something. And there will be laughing.

Sean gives the voting phone numbers. I'm not repeating them. What, you want to vote? Oh, you do not.

Stephen's turn to be set up. Mo, Paula, and Mike are back. The three women are Denise D., Denise L., and Darrien. We see Mo in the interrogation room, trying to irritate Darrien into admitting that she's easily irritated. Cut back on the sophisticated psychological warfare, Mo! I am frightened of you! Back on stage, it's time for the decision. The blasted music starts up again, and I could honestly kill myself at this point. What did the peeps think of the girls? They think Denise D. has a great head on her shoulders (and by "head on her shoulders," they mean "rack"), but they're not sure about the fact that she seems to want everything her way. They fortunately don't seem to mind that it was September 11th that brought them to this point. Denise L., the peeps like also. They are worried that she spends too much time on her outward appearance, what with the giant breasts and everything. It's strange, but I don't actually think Denise L. looks any more appearance-obsessed than any of the rest of these weirdos. They find Darrien appealingly ambitious, but the peeps think that she's overinvolved in other things.

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Married By America




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